Memo from Hugh Moore (aka Humor)

[Howard A Asinoff]

How HMO’s Work
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept
pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
could be made
to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in
the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors
basically fall into two
categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and
those who will see
you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry;
the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half-day's drive
away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the
Generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right
in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no
harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]