Request for help with a complicated case

[Rosemary Hyde]

I have a patient I've been treating, fairly successfully, for a year and a half or so. He presented with OCD as a behavior to control rage, happening frequently, entailing destroying or attacking some object repeatedly to deflect rage directed against others. The successful remedy for over a year has been Crot-c. It has gotten rid of the compulsive destructive behaviors quite successfully, but has uncovered a deeper layer that appears to be some form of bipolar disorder - ecstasy alternating with heaviness, suicidal thoughts, inertia, sadness, and still a feeling of ongoing anger.
It's a very complex case, as might be expected. I hope this presentation isn't too long. I've focused on the first interview and then the most recent one, to give an idea how the case has and hasn't evolved over the time since August 2001. Thanks to anyone who reads it and thinks, "Oh that's got to be ______" and shares those thoughts with me, because I'm feeling some hesitancy about where to take this one next.
Rosemary
Here is a transcription of his first interview, Aug. 1, 2001. His own words do a better job than i could of giving a feeling for the intensity, loquacity, strangeness of his world. my comments are in parentheses:
My body is too sensitive to drugs, legal and illegal (in distant past, of course). I'm terrified of side effects. When I focus on my problems, it makes everything worse.
Big problem is RAGE whenever I feel I'm not in control. I've been dealing with rage -- heavy, disturbing, incapacitating, a large part of my life -- all my life.
I inherited it from my father. I don't enjoy it -- it makes me feel useless.
SADNESS comes up behind the rage.
I dreamed when I was 10 that I was walking through a house filled with skeletons -- I knew then that my parents would die young, and they did (Dreams predicting deaths.)
I inhabit an endlessly expanding universe -- how can I find the end of it? I'm more and more both god-conscious AND anti-religious.
This OCD thing started when I was 11. An overwhelming sense of fear and obligation. I get pissed off when it happens -- go crazy -- scream my head off. It's really a ball and chain.
The experience with my father may have set it off. I'd go out with friends. They'd pull up in the driveway and my dad would swear and make me clean my "fucking room". I was embarrassed (ailments from mortification). Dad had a horrible heart condition (history of heart disease). He also beat me up (ailments from abuse) -- closed fisted, holding his chest from heart pain while punching me. (Wow... Huge burden of guilt here too). I felt if I punched him once, it would kill him so I had to hold it in. (repressed anger.)
I want to clear it out so I can reach my potential as an artist. I have potential, OCD and rage are not compatible with this.
The universe is not made of this. I gotta walk my talk -- can't be like the priests preaching the gospel while they molest boys. (Moral sense)
I don't know why I chose OCD -- maybe to get over it.
I don't want to look back and have 20/20 hindsight and have to say "I'm sorry, God." (Anxiety of conscience).
God is also my father. I'm not capable of certain things. I can't do a day job. I live in constant fear of poverty and abandonment.
Things for me (He's referring to opportunities to "make it") have a habit of starting out really big, then peter out. I can keep momentum up in certain areas only. I'm afraid if I get things going well, will it become a day job that I can't get out of. (Fears imprisonment)
I couldn't do anything else. The boredom would be AWFUL. (He's a rock musician who writes and performs his own songs with a group, fairly well known locally, has made recordings, etc....) I must be who I am.
I'm a runner (not literally) but I'm limpingh through life with this OCD. Now it's toned down from before. I function mostly, but it's surreal. All I have to do is eat the wrong thing or get tired, and I go wacky.
REGRET is another daily thing -- about my mother who died of a long drawn out cancer, -- the visuals of that are awful for me. It's all a dream, anyway. I regret I wasn't there for her maybe -- but I did the best I could.
My sister thought I was capable of nothing and took over everything. Made me furious. That ASSHOLE!!!! (Here he tears up).
I was there for her spiritually. She was semi-comatose, on pressure IV, unrecognizable with edema, but conscious -- wouldn't let go. I told her what to do and say when she died so she'd join. All on the psychic level. I asked her to twitch to let me know it got there and she did.
I live in dichotomies -- slightly chaotic. Not in everyday reality too much. I know too much. One friend would like to see me more in the here and now.
Lots of joy, too -- absolutely exploding blissful moments daily -- many times. I life in deep gratitude for everything. Can't deny what is. Don't know how to deal with these eartly emotions -- I hate to sound like an alien -- it gets funneled through the OCD>
I don't get it -- running parallel worlds, plus an observer watching both of me.
Beauty and absolutely divine experiences, like being around realized beings -- different christs in different bodies. Jesus Christ was the Beatles of gurus around at his time. I've been around a lot of gurus, read Yogananda. I fear these god-beings too -- it's my bad info re God keeping me that way. Lots of miraculous energy in my life. Some moments I'm free of this crap, anen the other voice comes in and says "Here it comes."
This world is OCD. Why does it keep doing that? It's a habit. Lack of something else -- wants to be replaced with something else.
Trish (his girl friend) and I had a Huge argument ended with a cry session, and I let loose with myself and suddenly I felt the OCD SHUT OFF. THIS TELLS US THE HEART AND BASIS FOR THE CASE -- SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS. I felt in a dark empty waraehouse -- it was the scariest feeling I've had recently. I almost wanted the OCD back to be back in familiar territory.
Like a vessel filled with the wrong liquid, and it needs to be replaced with better liquid, but SLOWLY. I'm concerned with what will replace it. I'm concerned that I don't want to incapacitate my creativity. I've taken all the drugs. I had heavy allergic reactions to SSRIs and tri-cyclics. They incapacitate me and make me want to end my life -- the Prozac effect. Things can't take emotions away. The rage can go, although I use that energy to fuel my onstage energy.

I keep losing band members. I have a fantasy that I'm doing something wrong and being punished. My fear is it may be true.
My music as about getting the Word out.
The OCD is like being possessed. I've been exorcised, but it didn't wprl/ Well, actually, something happened. It's like having a roommate with BO who follows you all the time, but doesn't LISTEN to you. A former nun did the exorcism, and I do remember seeing some shadowy thing in the yard. But I still had OCD. It wasn't an outside spirit, just my brain -- nothing more. (Fears possession by devil)
I've also seen ailens. I've seen and done a lot of things.
Creativity is coming from God. Gratitude. Not just me, not about me. For me and by me -- But it's about imparting information glamorously to others.
Performance is a very acute situation -- you focus and pick up different energies (I'm getting the shakes again.) (trembling) I leave the OCD stage but dread having to deal with that stinkin' roommate afterwards -- insidious -- knows what I'm scared of.
I ask What pisses you off?
Getting caught physically on things -- instant rage. Makes me think of time when I was 2, fell into pool, almost drowned, lost consciousness, woke up vomiting water. Everyone was screaming.
Other things -- not being able to help someone.
Repetition really, really pisses me off.
When someone pries.
Being woken from a nap.
I'm getting up in the morning right now -- daylight brings me great joy and I'm enjoying it thoroughly. But 3 am has quiet, saintly sereme jy to it.
When I'm not functioning well my creativity is diminished.
Traffic pisses me off.
Also not being able to communicate or when I'm not understood -- it rages me out -- with Trish, mainly,.
Rage has been heavily in the relationship since Trish was fired and that brought up her sadness. I was walking by the shower and Trish was crying, and it was SO SAD. I got into the shower with my clothes on and asked "How can I help?" She didn't laugh. It made me mad because now I think I caught her sadness. I thought "Now you got me down, you ass. Thanks a lot!!"
Our relationship started with me being a teacher to her. It started very spiritually, and has grown. Trish and I haven't had sex. I had a sexual obsession early on but then I wasn't interested any more, for the last 10 years or so I haven't had any sex. I just won't go there -- vowed to myself. We do give each other orgasms, but I just won't put my penis in her vagina.
Did something happen to cause this decision?
The last sexual encounter I had was pretty pathetic, not fun. I couldn't get it up -- it was a boring black comedy. I figured I'm not enjoying this shot -- it's TOO INTIMATE, too much maintenance, takes too much of my energy. I don't like losing my energy -- I use it everywhere in my creative life and don't want to diminish it. So I'm living a modified monastic life with a girlfriend.
I value women more than men. It's a privilege to be a woman -- higher energetic level. My goal is to transcend being a man. I've thought of a sex change operation, but that's not right. I'm sort of bi-sexual, but I like women better than men. On close examination, sex isn't especially interesting for me. In the past, when I fucked, it was an awful experience, an energy drain.
Everyday I meditate for 20 minutes when I wake up and again when I go to bed. And everyday I wake up and write a song. The creative part of my life is first. Girlfriend/ lover (Trish) is second to that. I told her that from the start. I also told it to several other potentials, who went away.
I can't balance a checkbook -- I get panicky. Also with insurance and financial stuff. I start to stutter. I've never been able to have a routine job.
The universe is PUSHING me to do what I'm doing, on a mass level. (megalomania). The OCD is slowing me down. It's time to deal with it.
My income supports about half of my work, and Trish helps with the rest -- costumes, etc...
I then turn to asking him about physical symptoms.
Crave pasta. I used to crave sweets, but not now. I don't eat much meat or dairy -- they make me sick. I get flu symptoms within 24 hours, and don't like that. (Meat, dairy agg.) I have a weakness for sushi. I used to eat raw red meat as a child because my mother didn't want me to (Obstinate) (craves raw meat????)
I get sores in my nose chronically -- could be a form of herpes. Intensely painful pimple in outer nostrils and in outer ear. The nose shouldn't be that painful. It shoots up the front of my face; often when I'm in a rage I feel the sores coming -- only on the right side.
Maybe I'm just hyper aware of myself. I rarely get ill.
I'm extremely symmetrical -- aside from the nose, whatever happens on the left then comes out the same on the right. For instance I had an ingrown hair on my left wrist and then got exactly the same kind of mark on my right wrist.
My stomach and intestines are OK, but I'm a bit nauseous lately when arguing with Trish. I have a feeling of fear in my stomach. I get a nauseous anxious feeling -- could conceivably lead to vomiting, but gets better with time or with resolving the argument. It's extremely crucial for me to resolve the argument right away.
My favorite season is winter. I don't enjoy it that much. I love snow and cold air -- they feel safe and comfortable -- less exposed. I sleep with the a/c on in the winter -- I'm better in a COLD room with 5 blankets. I hate summer -- always have since I was 4 or 5. I liked the beach -- blissful -- when I was 2. Don't know what mnnade that joy disappear. I love the color blue -- it's deep and intense. I remember desolate hot, STINKY (sensitive odors) afternoons, when my friends weren't around and my raging father was chasing me out of the house.

Spring sucked because it led up to summer. I always fell in love in spring when I was a kid, but it was frustrating because I couldn't express it.
Another thing I like about winter is that it's OK to be in the house with nothing to do.
I like autumn -- It's clear, cool, comfortable. There's a bonding together feeling. I feel abandoned when people aren't bonding together.
Favorite geographic environment?
Double answer:
A) Cool winter wonderland that's not so cold.

B) On blue Pacific Ocean

C) On the metro in Artsy fartsy Paris.
Fears?
Beaches in the cold are scary (Worse cold weather). So is the ocean at night. Being incapable is also scary. (He keeps mentioning aliens). (Seashore amel, agg)
Appetite?
My appetite goes up and down -- cyclic -- ordiinary to very intense where I have to eat litttle things all day -- ANY little thing -- doesn't matter. My appetite gets ravenous every 6-7 days.I move emotionally with the moon cycles -- every 28-30 days. I also catch the wave of Trish's PMS>
Life is a collection of cycles, year to year. I'm very sensitive to the anniversaires of my parents' deaths, and guilt around the High Holy Days -- very intense sense of obligation around Yom Kippur -- I HAVE to fast -- FEAR OF GOD AND FATHER -- PRETTY DAMN SCARED OF MY FATHER -- COULD MAKE ME FLY OFF THE HANDLE AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION.(Rage with anxiety or fear or terror). "I brought you into the world and could take you out again at any time." I'm scared of repeating that history. My father was brilliant, raging, almost successful.
Rage sweeps over me, like waves do on the beach at night. (explains why he's afraid of beaches at night.) I'm being overwhelmed again like I was with him. He was also incredibly loving. We'd kiss each other sweetly (father to son). These dichotomies were ALWAYS taking place.
FEAR OF FAILURE. Big one! Also fear of success. Success means, on one level, being happy with what I do, so I'm successful already. The next level is making a lot of money to do all I believe I can do -- also sharing my message effectively. I'm mainly afraid of more activity making me not enjoy what I[m doing. If I have to be places at certain times (anxiety when time is set).
Drug history?
I was a coke addict 15 years ago. At this point, I asked him his age, but he wouldn't tell me. He finally told me the year. Said he never reveals his age. He's afraid that he will lose credibility if he's perceived as "too old."
There's some social phobia in me -- not wanting to go out -- better in winter; in summer I barely leave the house. I should probably be making the scene more.
I WEAR MAKEUP WHENEVER I'M OUT. (How on earth to repertorize this incredible SRP??)
Sporadically I drink alcohol to excess, wake up in black depressing. I'm an alcoholic but I just stopped drinking (analogous to his response to sexual compulsion). I smoked pot a little but each time I had a psychotic episode. I tried all the drugs and couldn't, basically.
I love coffee, but just drink 1 cup a day, in the am.
Now I've developed new allergies -- am sneezing attacks. My right eye and nostril get full and red -- only on the right.
Sneezing more than twice pisses me off -- really. Just thinking about it is pissing me off.
IN GENERAL, JUST LIKE MY FATHER -- THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL PISS ME OFF.
I'm more pissed off because I'm a little more scared right now. I'm at an edge where it's got to happen soon. I've done all the ground work. I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME MY FATHER!!! I WILL NOT!!!!
I won't have kids in this lifetime, so I can STOP that influence. That's where I am right now, looking over the precipice, putting on wings and a parachute, and throwing a rope to the other side, and I'm GOING to jump.
One more thing, at the end of this conversation. I'm concerned how this represents me. I don't want to see like a "wannabe" My really big fear is people saying "wow, he really could have been successful if only..."
He called me back an hour later, with more things that piss him off!
Bad smells insult me, like cat box poop. They remind me of my mother dying. Bad smells anger me -- frustration with no control.
Also I'm worse 10-11 pm -- I get more catatonic."
There was such an abundance of weird symptoms-the whole case was "strange-rare-peculiar." A whole bunch of remedies seem possible. Veratrum? Lachesis? Medorrhinum? Arg-nit? Anac? There are even overtones of Puls. I settled first on Tarent. He's a rock musician, and his music is rather frenetic (not especially artistic, really, too heavy, as he says he himself feels.). Tarent helped for a couple of months, then leveled off, so I reanalyzed. I tried Lachesis, which made him feel awful instantly. It seemed then that the snake/ spider axis must have something going for it, although I suspect now he'd react to anything. Given his strong hallucinations and visions, and his otherworldly sense, I then tried Crot-c, which has worked like a charm for about 12 months, only starting to peter out, even with higher potency, in the last 3 months. I then tried Med, which didn't do much. It seemed that after such a long run with significant positive effects, a nosode might help get progress going again. I had previously tried Carc, which didn't act. The case also has overtones of Tub and Syph. How many nosodes can one try???
What needs to be cured here? Wow! He uses words like "insulted" and "heavy." He's megalomaniac. He's an addict. He's bipolar. He has OCD. He converses with otherworldly beings. He has ecstatic moments and hellish moments. He finds it impossible to conform to any social norms, and has built his professional life around his "weirdness." His overall outlook on life can be summed up as "rage with anxiety." He's hurried, hates repetition, thinks other people move too slowly, flees an ever-threatening sense of ennui. His sleep timetable is all screwed up, and he has a terrible time sleeping at night and staying active during the day - keeps sleeping during the day and staying up working all night. He's hypersensitive to sensory inputs and to chemicals, and fears being poisoned. He has dozens of peculiar specific symptoms - impossible to select which are most important.
He has none of the temperature or digestive modalities of Veratrum.

He seems syphilitic and destructive, but he's much better at night, loves the night, and in fact much of his contradictory experience is wildly sycotic. And he also really is capable of kindness and concerned for the welfare of others, even Trish. He spontaneously does thoughtful things that are surprising, given his conviction of being superior to other mortals.

His approach to things that make him uncomfortable, as with the episode of Trish in the shower, is to do something wildly silly and inappropriate, then he feels very contrite when people become offended. Thinking about it, he feels driven to destructiveness and spends his entire energy trying to deflect or contain that energy so no one is harmed by it. He thrives when the center of attention, but even there he's willing to contribute to the good of others, by doing benefit performances, for instance.
I've thought about Androctonus, but he doesn't seem malicious enough.
The Crot-c has now brought him to a point where the OCD is basically gone, and the rage is much less intense. He's functioning much better, up to a point. The pathology now most obvious is a distinct and intense bipolar mood disorder. And he also was weeping, in the latest interview, "I MISS MY MOMMY!! SHE DIED WHEN I WAS ONLY 30 AND I WANT HER BACK!!" "Childish behavior" is a rubric that could definitely be used. He doesn't strike me as especially Puls, although Staph and Clem, in the same family, have a couple of the modalities of his case. But Staph patients typically are self-blaming, and he has a rather inflated image of himself and blames others.
His illusions fit cann-i. However, it doesn't repertorize very high, and the physicals don't fit especially well. He's not spacy enough to be anhalonium, either. Hyos is a slight possibility, although his humor doesn't focus on sexuality. The duality makes one think of Anac, but he's neither cruel nor wishy washy.
PRESENT SITUATION: like the initial case, this does not repertorize out, although there are many distinct, peculiar symptoms - again, too many. He's done well so far with animals: Tarent and then Crot-c. For some reason, this time, although the overall impression is still a bit snake-like (although I know Lach just makes him feel worse), I'm thinking of either plants (Staph has some strong resonances; or Croc, Lil-t, a magnified version of Anac?) or minerals (Nat-m????????-it makes me think Nat-m more than anything apart from Staph, which I also considered the first time, but he seems way too hysterical for Nat-m; Aur? Arg-n or Arg-met? Plat? or some of the radioactive ones, such as Plut-n or even Positr - although he does seem a lot more grounded and in this world than he did in the first interview). Keynotes: Bipolar, sense of duality, anger with sadness and also with remorse, delusions insulted, milk >>>, sleep schedules reversed day and night, headaches behind eyes, hysterical reactions, ritualistic behaviors, jealousy/ envy with anger. Childish behavior. Sense of isolation. Continued fear of poverty. Agoraphobia. Contradictory states on every level. Blasphemous. His sense of being a victim and yet not is central, it seems. Probably more a sense of frustrated entitlement. Less syphilitic and tubercular than before, more psoric, actually, or syco-psoric, than initially. I guess my first association now is with Staph, second with Nat-m, but I don't feel convinced of either one, yet.
Follow-up on January 10, 2003 - his words:
The OCD is basically gone. Now just a bad mood with people. Unenthusiastic. No sense of adventure. Bad sense of separation from EVERYBODY. Trish and I had a massive blowout last night - both of us crying our eyes out - Got in touch while wailing, mucusing, in a fetal position. I'm stuck with me. I can't be dependent on Trish in any way. I keep feeling envious of others whose lives seem to be going better.
I can remember being depressed and elated, both, from early childhood. Didn't know how to handle it. The elation felt illicit - sort of like having an orgasm in church. I guess the OCD was a tool to manage the overwhelming feelings and out of control mind.
I live in a world of polar opposites, different sides, reacting to each other. It's like having an evil twin. My thoughts are blasphemous at times - worst kinds of things you can think of but I'm not saying them. Meds make it worse. I've been having suicidal thoughts, but that's not even an option. I've seen what shit committing suicide creates for everyone else left behind, and I'm not going to do that.
I feel as if I've been hurt. It makes me pissed off. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm not really a victim but I'm playing "victim" on TV. Someone abandons you and you have to start over from shit. I feel jealous of others' good fortune, jaded, cynical. I don't like being that way.
I MISS MY MOMMY. I MISS HER!! She left the planet when I was only 30! I feel her sometimes. My father too. I'd like them to help me.
I'M BORED. My days are pretty much the same. I never go out if I don't have to. Part of me doesn't want to change. If there's a change in the routine, I get pissed. I don't WANT to go out.
I'm grateful for the artistic results I get, but I'm not recognized as much as I deserve to be. I want to know how to alter this so checks and recognition start rolling in.
The OCD was about sabotage. It was always about the opposite of what I want to think - like having an evil twin. Then there are the transcendent times. When that goes away, I miss it.
I'm an angry guy, OK? I can rip someone apart verbally, but I usually don't do it. When I have things together I'm intense and powerful. When someone comments I'm angry, I feel IINSULTED. I'm like my father, angry. He tried to control me and I'm not controllable.
Since I had the flu last year, I've got a cough that keeps wanting to clear something out of my throat, but it never works. Also, my voice is too tight, notes aren't true.
And I still can't sleep at night. I keep waking up and can't get back to sleep. Or I stay up all night, and then get sleepy finally the next afternoon. Coffee helps a lot. If I didn't drink coffee when I get up, the morning wouldn't happen.
I have to gear up my energy to do all the rituals I need to do before going to sleep or getting up. It takes a lot of energy to do them, and sometimes I can't get up enough energy to do them so I can go to bed, even if I want to (Note: this is still a form of OCD).
Headaches: pain dizzy, throbbing behind eyes, shooting pain behind right eye.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Dale Moss]

Hi, Rosemary --

After a quick perusal of your case, I'd like to suggest that you read Rajan Sankaran's newest book, "An Insight into Plants," to see how he uses the nexus between a patient's "vital sensation" and miasm to target a remedy. My own sense of your patient is that he's in the cancer miasm (so many issues of control!!) and that he needs a drug remedy. Both Anhalonium and Opium are in the cancer miasm, per Sankaran, but the former has sensations of contraction or expansion, which correspond to your patient's feelings, while the latter shows numbness alternating with pain, which I don't see here.

I hope this helps some. It's an interesting case. Reminds me a lot of a patient I treated years ago (he needed Stramonium).

Peace,
Cinnabar

[Joy Lucas]

Dear Rosemary, thanks for sharing this amazing case with us.

Accepting of the fact that he has gone a long way on Crot c I began to
concentrate on just a few issues of the present, some of which reflect back
into his past.

One is this theme of expansion; another is being elated; another is the
sense of being separated from everyone...

and I began to think about HYDROGEN - where everything is out of balance,
altered perceptions, feelings of being spacey, dreamy, confusion as to
identity, feel grubby (his references to stinkiness), irresolution (starts
things big time but they peter out all the time), always blaming themselves,
ailments from fright, religious, always anxious about money and poverty,
aversion to being touched, even has crusts in nose.

I will let you read up on the rest, sorry for being brief but I thought
maybe brief would be good.

Thanks again for sharing the case,

Warm wishes, Joy

[Dr. R. Swift]

A remedy that I thought about reading the case is Psil. Ideas of under a
powerful influence, sensitive to music, G-d/devil images, sense of duality,
time distortion. Don't see the anger so much but there is not that much
information on the remedy in the rep's. Hope this is a useful idea.

Russell Swift, DVM
Classical Homeopath
phone 561-391-5615
email drswift@therightremedy.com
www.therightremedy.com

"Allopaths have protocols, Homeopaths have principles."

[Rochelle]

Just a thought!! I was trying to search my notes for a remedy we did at SoH
conference a few years ago which had in it parallels and cycles but I can't
find what it was. Maybe Lac Hum or Lac Mat?? Maybe it

FEAR general father to become like his (1)
1 ozone

Regards
Rochelle

www.rochellemarsden.co.uk
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[becklesfield]

Hi Rosemary

What an incredible case! I cannot offer any help at all, as I'm a
true beginner, but I would love to know what OCD is!

Thanks
Becky
--- In minutus@yahoogroups.com, "Rosemary Hyde"
wrote:
year and a half or so. He presented with OCD as a behavior to
control rage, happening frequently, entailing destroying or attacking
some object repeatedly to deflect rage directed against others. The
successful remedy for over a year has been Crot-c. It has gotten rid
of the compulsive destructive behaviors quite successfully, but has
uncovered a deeper layer that appears to be some form of bipolar
disorder - ecstasy alternating with heaviness, suicidal thoughts,
inertia, sadness, and still a feeling of ongoing anger.

[Marleen]

Thursday, January 16, 2003, 12:48:23 PM, becklesfield wrote:
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)... an anxiety disorder.

Marleen