cygn.c.b.

[Rochelle Marsden]

Has anyone got any MM on this remedy Cygn.c.b. which is the Bewick swan? I wondered if it had been written about in one of the Society Journal's but can't find it. I have got rubrics it is in but it is MM I am after to read the M and E's and skin stuff.

Thanks
Rochelle
Registered Homeopath, EFT(Advanced)Practitioner
www.southporthomeopathy.co.uk

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Sarvadaman Oberoi]

This may help:
Cygn-be. Cygnus bewickii

Regards.

Sarvadaman Oberoi
New Delhi, India
Mobile: +919818768349
+911244076374
*Website: **http://www.freewebs.com/homeopathy249/*

On 6/29/06, Rochelle Marsden wrote: Re: [Minutus]
cygn.c.b.
**
*Provings are at*
**
http://www.hominf.org/proving.htm
**
*Report cured cases at:*
E-mail: provings@hominf.org

or write to: Peter Fraser
69 Elton Road
Bishopston
Bristol BS7 8DG
*MM*
*http://www.hominf.org/swan/swanfr.htm*

Mind


Dreams


Physicals

Overviews
**
*Mind* *
*

*In & Out*

One of the group said something interesting, a theme in the group - being in
or out. That's exactly my thing! I'm longing to be in, connected, a part of
the whole. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Meeting with partner. We are in different spaces, and there is no time to be
together. 1, 6C, 19:XX:XX

Feel tender and passionate, full up with life in a good way. Something has
happened with my dance; another level of integration, less separation
between when I'm dancing and when I'm not. 1, 6C, 30:XX:XX

A day with the ongoing group. I feel strong with them like a hunter, but
make a 'mistake' later and never quite recover from through the rest of the
day. The energy goes underground like a river beneath the rocks. Again I'm
torn in my role - between that role and my longing to be a participant in
this bloody group! I've just realised that that is my part in the theme of
this group, which I see as being around belonging, being in or out. So while
we eat together and go to the relaxation centre I really feel that. 1, 6C,
31:XX:XX

The end of the group today. Somehow this crystallizes apart of this whole
experience of this remedy. It's intensified something that is a theme for me
anyway - the longing for something that I can't quite have; to be immersed
in a blend of wildness and juicy relating, some integration of love and sex.
Its my adolescence again trying to fulfil itself. A longing to be immersed
totally. To not be slightly apart any more. When I feel this longing I feel
closer to my core and my compassion than at any other time. Although it
seems to centre around human relationships it is spiritual in its intensity.
The remedy has brought me closer to my core. 1, 6C, 35:XX:XX

I felt so lonely, such an outsider, so sad. 2, 12C, 02:XX:XX

Felt less lonely after supper. There was a very warm gentle energy, which I
was able to be part of. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX

Then there was the dancing with the poor chap frozen. I try to maintain my
dance and dance with him. Once I just had to break away and scream. When we
talked I think I hurt (and surprised) him by saying he was obviously very
sad and he was affecting me. Then he told me how disappointed he'd been to
end up with me as a partner. I felt so lonely and worried afterwards. I
don't know how I'll cope if I have him as my partner tomorrow. 2, 12C,
03:XX:XX

Today has been very difficult. Walked in Masonic Hall and was appalled by
all the Establishment men ranged around the wall. My father hated the Masons
but only because he's never been invited to join them. Instead he joined the
British Legion later in life. Same thing, I thought. I'd never be able to
dance - in effect in front of my father. But I managed to dance with some
vigour. I was just in floods of tears. And it's been a difficult and painful
day. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX

As we had breakfast and got ready to go to the Hall I had a fair amount of
anxiety about belonging/doing the right thing - would there be a place for
me? But I was able to bring common-sense to bear on it all. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Had a very sleepless night, worrying and feeling very depressed about the
previous day. I felt very rejected, even though I know that a lot of it
happened because of my own withdrawing. And very worried about how I'm to
work if we keep with the same partners. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX

I know I will never be an insider and right now that feels fine - *Ca arrive
*, as the French say. This group is one I could have belonged to possibly if
I had found it when I was younger. But when I was younger I couldn't have
coped with the tearful magic of it all. So now I have to accept that as an
older woman and one with a husband, a mortgage and three kids, I am an
outsider here. Why, I even know what the Relief of Mafeking was! I'm fat,
I'm 57 and I'm too lazy to be that unconventional on the surface. And
actually being an outsider looked and felt fine, dancing that dance, I
looked at the outsiders and thought 'Oh well' (and anyway, they're only
pretending) and when I went to dance outside, I was aware of space, strength
existing and attention - the insiders looked cramped and muddled. I am an
insider. I don't think so. They're kidding me. If they really knew what I
was like they'd soon turn their backs on me. They'll find the truth out
soon. And I have to make sure the kids lie as well to keep up the pretence.
Anyway, I can't go on with the lies, I am an outsider, the world is actually
a big brick wall and I am hanging from it by my fingertips. It's all I can
do not to fall off, let alone try to find a way in. They are all smooth and
know each other, and I would suffocate in there. 2, 12C, 32:XX:XX

Christmas Eve. I feel tender and mildly depressed. The house is too hot and
we've already eaten too much. Husband and daughter have got my cold. I've
got young people wanting a lively sparkling time. I've got an old lady who
wants to sit with a hot water bottle. Daughter has taken over my kitchen and
is doing the cooking. Wonderful but I can find neither successful role, nor
space. I have a great desire to be completely alone. And yet I'm someone who
loves being hospitable and sharing my home with others. And I love my 'kids'
deeply, deeply. I've got no energy, and I don't really like myself and I'm
scared of all the work I've got waiting for me. I just don't feel up to
anything. I've got no space to retreat to - even in my bedroom someone's
usually using the computer. And now is not the right time to demand my right
because I've got two very fragile, tetchy, worried and potentially explosive
young women to keep vaguely calm and amicable over Christmas. 2, 12C,
40:XX:XX

I am anxious that all this stuff that is my stuff is nothing to do with the
remedy! Intellectually I know this to be ridiculous- related to my poor self
confidence. Still that sneaky feeling that I got the sac lac! 4, 6C,
03:XX:XX

Emotionally up and down. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX

Had a very selfish day today and thoroughly enjoyed it. 6, 30C, 06:XX:XX



*Groups*

Really excited and pleased about being with group this weekend. Love driving
somewhere new, feel fascinated by everything; I can see the magic in
everything. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Feel good again today. Deeply immersed in the process of group, not much of
myself left. Emotionally very full of the group; nourished, touched, missing
them too. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX

Today doesn't work well, only one hour to myself to dance, rest of the day
full of demands on my time. I'm missing the group, and solitude - feel sad.
1, 6C, 04:XX:XX

Loving it here, and loving being part of this group, of actually feeling
like part of the Group and managing to interact without too much grief! 3,
30C, 01:XX:XX

Feeling of being in the group: pressuring me to be someone else. 3, 30C,
03:XX:XX

Went to college party. Great to see everyone. Leonidas chocs from Belgium!
Can't help but indulge. Danced, jumped, laughed. Had cigarettes. Spoke to
some 2nd year students - wish I were more sociable, but can only be in one
place at one time. Really up-lifted by going there, hopeful for future. 8,
30C, 05:XX:XX



*Connection*

Wake not feeling tired despite lack of sleep. Feel connected deep inside
myself; a sense that really good unfolding is happening. Only energetic
negative is being a bit spaced and forgetting things. 1, 6C, 02"06. 30

Feels wonderful to be in isolation of countryside, very aware of the spirit
of the land. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

It's hard arriving here, I am still connected to the Bristol group, I don't
want to open up to another. Also I'm scared of the organizer! I realise I an
attracted to him sexually. This time more aware of my desire for him and
more accepting of it. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Spent today with a very dear friend. She's a soul mate and Berlin is my soul
home, and I'm blown away, so happy, sad and full of longing. Here as always
I start to vapourize and become one with the streets and old buildings and
people. End up dancing until the small hours energised by my heart. I'm in
love with my friend, with life with this place and there is nothing else
happening because that's everything. I'm a wild dancer and a wild soul. 1,
6C, 15:XX:XX

All day a sadness builds up in me. It doesn't break until early evening when
I cry and cry in my friend's arms, crying for my dissolution into the
streets of Berlin. My soul is dissolving here. I am so old and so young
here. I am so full of sex and love as one energy here. Arrive at the
workshop full of light. Feeling rich and juicy like my days. 1, 6C, 16:XX:XX
I feel so in my power at the moment. I can see people clearly and feel very
'in the zone' with the dance of responding to whatever comes my way. I take
off on my own to wander the streets. Its very cold though so I go to my
favourite café to enjoy a milchkaffee and a cigarette and to feel anonymous.
Feels so good to let my identity fall away and pretend I live here in
another life. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX

At last some alone time. I'm on a Welsh mountain in sun, frost and mist
covered valleys. Time for a long walk and time to move under the sky. Thank
god. Moving out there I feel my sadness. Like touching base. Feeling of
running to catch up has gone; released into the mountain stream. 1, 6C,
26:XX:XX

I have stopped dancing! After 10 years of dancing every day, I've stopped!
Since doing this remedy I've discovered there's an integration that needs to
happen that I have been keeping at bay with my alone-time spiritual
practice. What made me think of this now is the depth of row I have had
today with my daughter and then her mother over holiday arrangements and
misunderstandings. I don't think I've ever felt so upset about her, and in
the midst of it I feel the spirit of dance sweeping through me in a new way
that had nothing to do with formally 'doing my practice'. 1, 6C, 39:XX:XX

Washed my hair out in the garden and was surprised the water wasn't colder
and more painful. Gave me a satisfying sense of being back in control of
what happened to me. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX

Then on to 5 Rhythms, where I found a beautiful light wild energy, we were
dancing to G. Roth herself and towards the end I found myself being danced
rather than dancing. It went way beyond my usual extreme responsiveness to
music. I felt at times like a giant heart beating and pulsating with my hand
doing strange gentle movements that had my watching brain asking 'where on
earth did that movement come from?' I also felt strangely pregnant, with the
hearts of my kids somehow part of the overall pulse. 2, 12C, 14:XX:XX

Then on for a final very loving 5 Rhythms. We've been a remarkable group and
I really feel I've gained a lot and really started to realize my power. One
of several things I've consciously taken on board is that the way to get rid
of the tense dead feeling I so often have in my abdomen is first to wriggle
around a lot and then to shout and roar. My final dance of stillness felt so
focused, so powerful, so clear. 2, 12C, 35:XX:XX

As we neared the cottage I felt my nervousness slip away replaced with a
much more expansive feeling of being in nature, of being on an adventure, of
enjoying time with lovely people. That anxiety of exposing myself and being
seen feels further away but still so big. 3, 30C, 02:16:15

I feel a new warmth in myself, a sense of self acceptance. I'm still feeling
some insecurities about being in the group, it's like getting lost in the
crowd, one minute I know where I am and the next I 'm floating away from
myself. There seems to be a pressure in me that tells me that I'm not
expressing who I am - that I feel more than I communicate, that I'm more
vital than I express. It's almost a continual dialogue, a veil between life
and strategic survival. These insecurities disappear when I move, I can find
myself easier, I can stay with myself longer, I can be with another and be
myself. This weekend I've felt more primal, more in my root and this is
making it easier in the dance to contact my energy and emotion. 3, 30C,
02:XX:XX

I'm understanding more about what it is to be open, open to myself and to
others. Realise that I'm often living in a non-reality. Then, when I told
myself to become more aware of my body, it felt like a running commentary
rather than an awareness of what I'm feeling. Spent the evening on my own
and managed to stop myself getting busy with project but played with myself
instead. I really enjoyed it, it felt good to be me. 3, 30C, 16:XX:XX

A bit like being stoned - everything a bit clearer - senses heightened -
except taste. Also things seem funny and surreal. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX

Awoke four times in the night compelled to look at the dawn star, Venus,
shining very clear and bright in the night sky. Sleep with the curtains open
so that I can see the night sky. 4, 6C, 201:XX:XX

Last night wondered if this is ecstasy. Lay long in bed mulling over day. In
love with the world. Everyone looked at me and smiled, word to say to
everybody. All's well with the world, lots of nice people around me. 5, 12C,
04:XX:XX

Work is still stressful but I feel less bothered by it, allowing it to wash
over me a bit more. I just feel stronger sense of me and being myself and
being able to cope. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX

I am feeling things more acutely - I cried when friend left and I would not
normally cry (crying twice in one week and have not cried for ages! ). It is
almost like my life has taken on the fluidity and intensity of emotions that
I have when dancing. I can feel happy, sad, cry all in short space of time.
I am not usually so up and down and emotional outside of dancing. But I am
enjoying this and feel very alive and energised though it. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX

Anyway when I got to dancing I had this enormous surge of energy and really
went with my dancing. I felt feelings of real joy and sadness with such
intensity and feelings of freedom, during lyrical I felt like a bird flying
and whirling in the sky. Also felt great sense of my own power and presence.
5, 12C, 13:XX:XX

Felt really pre-menstrual today. Felt really sad all day today, not crying
just a real feeling of being sad. Though while I feel sad it also feels okay
and just how it is. 5, 12C, 17:XX:XX

Felt very smiley all day and felt like 'I'm in love with life'. Nice
feeling. 6, 30C, 04:XX:XX

I am not looking forward to my leaving party. Just feel prickly, closed,
sort of concerned closedown when I think about it. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX



*Intimacy*

Difficulty swallowing this evening like it's clumsy and noisy. Both
situations were whilst being intimate with women; my sister and a friend. 1,
6C, 01:XX:XX

Sharp cramps through belly, I breathe into it and it becomes a big wave that
slowly moves up into my throat. Pain in the whole front of my neck which
moves up and out with every breathe and massage. It's all linked to
intimacy, here I am with naked beautiful people, sweating [in sauna] and I
long for intimacy. I feel the pain of old longings and allow myself to feel
how beautiful this sweating together is. Better for massage. Long for
communion with god when alone and with others when I'm not, nothing else
will do. Feel great compassion for myself. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Longing for intimacy. Hard doing groups with friends, I am needing some
holding myself by the evening. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX

I was so pleased to get home and be back with husband. It's strange - I will
probably tell him very little about what happened during the weekend and yet
I'm aware of being totally accepted by him. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX

Was very aware of the anonymous gentleness of the people who did little
things to support and care for me. I felt very happy, peaceful and energised
for the rest of the workshop, enjoyed talking about my family and work and
was completely unperturbed by any thoughts that I might be talking for long
or saying the right things. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX

This evening I went to my writing group, full of trepidation about reading
my story about my father, only to discover I hadn't brought it. I felt
really disappointed and tearful - I realized that reading the story to
others would have been a culmination of the whole process; writing my story,
talking to supervisor about my father and then my rage at the weekend. When
I got back home I couldn't even find my story and I still can't - I can't
think where it is, and I feel uneasy at the thought of 5 copies lying around
I know not where with my name on. And now we've got mysterious noises coming
from the loft and everything up there's been turned over. 2, 12C, 08:XX:XX

Had lunch with a friend, and was really surprised at how open she became.
Felt a new friendship is beginning and welcomed it especially because she's
my age and so many of my friends are younger - it feels good to have the
sense of equality and shared memories. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX

Feel starved in relationship. Cannot live on jokes alone. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX

I do feel very loved and cared for and supported. Partner is being wonderful
and warm and affectionate. And he seems really happy which is lovely to be
around. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX



*Isolation*

Too much on - a visitor here I don't like, too much to do, I'm tired. Want
to retreat from the world and be alone to nurse this wound of sadness and
loneliness. I feel lonely in a way I cant assuage except by being lonely. 1,
6C, 33:XX:XX

I dare not have any more Zomig, so I'm reduced to Nurofen Plus, which is
only partly working. And now I've taken more than I should so the little
child inside me is convinced I'm going to die in the night (I've only had
one extra). I'm not going to work tomorrow, even in the unlikely event of
feeling better. But I can feel the work piling up. I've got to lead my life
differently after Christmas. 2, 12C, 33:XX:XX

I feel very sad, like I've lost something and almost a sense of not having
something as well. I feel heavy and tired. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX

When I reflect on the discussion I had with partner I'm struck by the lack
of heart connection I had to what I was saying. That the 'I want to live
with you' felt almost factual like it was what I wanted because that is the
logical progression of relationships. Somewhere along the line of mulling
all this over I think I've become disconnected from the idea. I do want to
create change in my life. You have to take risks sometimes. 3, 30C, 07:XX:XX
I'm feeling I need space, it's been a full on couple of weeks with no time
to myself. I think that's partly the root of feeling disconnected, because
I'm disconnected from myself. 3, 30C, 10:XX:XX

I'm still rushing and now it feels that I'm focused on the end. Felt really
disconnected with the dance group tonight - something has ended for me
there, partly because of someone was leaving and feeling sad, but also that
I've been round a cycle myself and I don't know whether I want to go on into
another one. It's that same feeling of closing down, wanting to be self
contained. 3, 30C, 27:XX:XX

Odd suspicion that this is a double bluff and I haven't taken a remedy.
Laughing out loud - very amusing thought that I've been duped. 4, 6C,
01:XX:XX

Irritated when children invaded my bed! Often feel pushed out, but feeling
pronounced this morning. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Son was in bed with me, strangling me. 4, 6C, 07:XX:XX

Woke feeling as through nothing has changed. My centre is full of hatred and
blackness, relentless, no respite, no change, no point in trying to change,
defeated. A deep, dark, damnable place. Interesting in a way to see the
situation so clearly. Deeply disappointed. This is my state, always has been
always will be. I hear Lucifer chuckling. Hatred, rancour, jealousy bring
such pain, such disappointment. Reflections on hatred: feels as through it
is the generalised hatred that allows atrocities, genocide, to be committed.
Horrible, deep and tragic, I tell myself it is part of the human condition,
brings sense of misery and tears, many tears shed today. Feel withdrawn from
people, not willing to enter into communication with them. Don't want to
tell people I feel so disgusted with myself. I am not a worthy person. I am
only speaking with people superficially. And yet in my general functioning
things are OK. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX

Feel I have no "circle of support" cannot find a friend (actually I have not
asked). Withdrawing. 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX

Need to be part of society so great. I cannot tell because I feel so
unworthy, so dirty, cruel. If people knew they wouldn't want to know me. I
don't want to know people, just keep away, yet feel so ostracised. Feel so
false (familiar). 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX

Feel very separate, that I have no support from friends, indeed I have no
friends. Saw someone in Wells this afternoon, she half recognised me and
then dismissed me, pleasantly but I felt dismissed. I am brushed aside like
a piece of shit. 4, 6C, 28:XX:XX

Shaky, very insecure, partner gets me down. 6, 30C, 02:XX:XX

Took son to a mother & toddler group. A friend came up and asked me how I
was and I burst into tears. Felt my self esteem getting very low gradually.
Usually I love spending time in playgroups and usually I love the company of
the other mums. Today I felt a bit isolated and withdrawn. 6, 30C, 58:XX:XX



*Focus*

Drove home in a very altered state, had to remind myself sternly that I am
driving, and it is a real car and there are real cars around me and I really
could have an accident if I don't concentrate. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX

I felt very focused on my work which is quite a different feeling from the
last couple of weeks. 3, 30C, 04:XX:XX

Despite emotional blanket I worked really well today, very focused. Almost
as if I want to just get this thing out of the way so I can get on with the
life I want to create. Sent off for job applications from outside Bristol,
I'm scanning, looking into lots of doors, keeping everything open. I'm sad
and I'm hurt by "Maybe I don't love you enough" and I'm angry about partner
just sitting with the knowing of what I want from early on in our
relationship, but doing nothing to look at his feelings, what he wants and
whether we are on the same path. I'm angry that somewhere I don't think that
he has ever really let me in, that he's closed to my love and therefore
never moved by it. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX

Needed to tell partner where I was at. Concerned that I know what I want.
Felt clear unattached, easy to state what I wanted. He was full of fears. He
didn't know what he wanted. Relieved by speaking and listened to him. 3,
30C, 06:XX:XX

Being more focused. Less listening to excuses. I want to find the clear
intention. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX

I was well focused but I could feel my energy being zapped by being in this
office, beavering away. Strange desires to up and go. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX

I wanted to be by myself, work alone, be alone, clear and focused. 3, 30C,
19:XX:XX

Forgetfulness - Again something a bit unusual for me, there have been a few
occasions when I have been quite absentminded. I forgot completely a dentist
appointment. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Suddenly sunlight was fading, we were miles away from anywhere. Had to half
run 2-3 miles scrambling up and down wooded hills on narrow rocky pathways
to get out of the forest before dark. Finally found houses, asked for
directions and walked final mile back to car. Great relief, as all else -
work, anger, everything in everyday life - is forgotten in survival. 8, 30C,
06:XX:XX



*Stillness*

Easily distracted. Emotionally split - part of me is running to catch up
with a thousand things, so in fear - the other part is in fear but wanting
to protect my small self by shutting out the pressures and going to bed with
good book & looking after myself. But I have a toddler to look after and a
group to run, so I'm split. 1, 6C, 23:XX:XX

Real need underneath the criticalness for stillness and simplicity. Good to
find this space. 1, 6C, 25:XX:XX

A busy day with the prospect of many more to come before I've finished the
exhibition I'm working on. But felt good and competent about it all. I've
been early for two meetings - most unusual behaviour for me. So at the
moment I'm feeling rushed but unusually calm. 2, 12C, 06:XX:XX

Wanting to stay silent. Feelings of going inward. 3, 30C, 02"15. 30

Feel like curling up and being with myself. Dozing, lazing, want to be
quiet. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX

Aware of how beautiful this place is. Creation; I want to start creating my
life in a way that I want. Dancing today I felt the beginning of the wave as
a being lost in a pattern of coming out of myself to find my happiness and
life. Always moulding myself to fit round others, moving away from my centre
and losing myself on the way. And then as I moved into lyrical, I got the
feeling of being the sun, having the planets move around me, being the
centre of my world. I felt the integration of my being creating from it's
core, attracting all that is perfect, radiating out, and I feel my sex. I so
much want to be in this space, at the centre of my life and I want to be
less crushed by my self doubt. I could create my own life by drawing in what
is right for me. It almost obliterated the work I'd done in the weekend. It
pulled me back. I was on a crash course of destroying everything. 3, 30C,
02:XX:XX

Desire to be quiet, introverted. 3, 30C, 03:XX:XX

Finding that over the last week or so that I am managing time more
realistically, that I am in time for things and can pace myself more easily.
4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Have been feeling very happy and at peace with myself. Have a real sense of
calm and well being. 5, 12C, 02:XX:XX

I still have a real sense of calmness and inner well being. There is a
strong sense of being at peace with myself and a feeling of joy. I get
moments of real happiness when I am walking down the street, it is like when
you are first in love with someone, for no apparent reason. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Want to be in the duvet, windows closed, lots of warm drinks. 5, 12C,
21:XX:XX

Again, that grumpy crossness with everything. Although it is a kind of
surface grumpy. Essentially, if I can let go of tiredness, crossness, that
feeling of being under siege - underneath I am quite calm, happy, warm,
loved. I feel an urge to cry but it is a letting go, not a racked crying. 7,
12C, 07:XX:XX

Got letter from DEFRA, I have got job! I am not bouncing around like I would
expect. Something in my energy is levelled out, am not getting usual
high/low swing? 8, 30C, 02:XX:XX

Have been surprisingly stable. Not as buzzy or hyper as usual. Feel heavy in
grounded sort of way (as opposed to heavy and fat). 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX

We drive home, one near-miss, partner freaked on adrenaline - my heart
didn't even beat any faster. Was driving faster than usual with no fear.
Scary. Usually pretty much adrenaline-pumped when I drive anywhere. 8, 30C,
05:XX:XX

Still grounded, calm. I have been 'freer' with myself - I have let myself
smoke, eat chocolate, not go to gym. Don't feel slobby, though. 8, 30C,
11:XX:XX



*Energy*

Too much to do getting ready for going away; rushing my food. End up staying
up terribly late making love, and just as I'm falling asleep son wakes me
saying he has a sore bottom so we end up being up for another half hour. It
seems like when I get stressed everything conspires to curtail my sleep! 1,
6C, 13:XX:XX

Another crazy day, hectic moves to get things ready for going away.
Scattered energy, hectic.

Feel good about myself despite the mad schedule. I have confidence and
balance that is pleasing. 1, 6C, 14:XX:XX

Another crazy day, compressed time. Quite like living like this! The patches
of tiredness are even OK really. The only thing that isn't is the lack of
time with partner. Packing too much in, not getting enough done feeling.
Getting little sleep or rest but feel remarkably good. 1, 6C, 20:XX:XX

Started the working morning in one of my usual panics, but worked well and
got in control. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX

This evening I've got over the sense I had this morning of not being in
control. 2, 12C, 11:XX:XX

This evening I feel tired and bit low. I have a let down feeling, I'm not
sure why. 2, 12C, 21:XX:XX

A dead end sort of day and I've eaten too much. 2, 12C, 22:XX:XX

I'm clobbered - my whole body and mind are screaming out to stop working.
Fortunately I've finished the big piece of work I've been so busy with, so
today I've taken things fairly easy - I haven't found this particularly
comfortable. 2, 12C, 29:XX:XX

Went to two parties this evening, both very enjoyable, but ran out of
energy. The cold has really taken it out of me and the cough still exhausts
me. 2, 12C, 38:XX:XX

I've had the house to myself today, but have been too tired to make the most
of it work-wise. In fact, I spent about an hour just sitting on the sofa
trying to stay awake and failing. I'm so tired and don't know what to do
with myself. 2, 12C, 43:XX:XX

Did feel a bit hyper, wanting to be active but I'd been rushing around all
afternoon and had a long list of things to do before tomorrow so could be a
bit hyper anyway. 3, 30C, 00:XX:XX

I've been very outside of myself. Feeling busy, rushing. Feeling flat, I've
lost contact with what seems to be like a dynamic energy of change. I've
been thinking about it more than feeling it. Felt overtaken by goals. It all
felt too much. I'm pushing too hard. Lost contact with the feeling. 3, 30C,
11:XX:XX

Feels like the world is speeding up to the end of the year - I'm rushing all
the time. 3, 30C, 26:XX:XX

I have loads of energy even when I feel tired I have these odd bursts of
energy. I keep wanting to tidy things up and sort things out, not really
like me as I am so messy and will have phases of doing it because I ought to
but not because I really want to. 5, 12C, 05:XX:XX

I got back at 10. 30 and started tidying up my bedroom - ridiculous time to
start this as major job but just felt like loads of energy and compulsion to
tidy up! 5, 12C, 06:XX:XX

I had another odd burst of energy at an odd time. I got back from shopping
in Bath having trekked rounds loads of shops in crowds - normally would have
flopped in chair but got back and just had loads of energy and started
tidying up, cooking and then decorating the fire place. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX

I have continued to have odd bursts of energy and moments of intense
feelings - like when I was just walking along the path and thought how
beautiful the countryside is and the light and the trees and just wanted to
dance - no-one was around so danced along the path feeling glad to be alive.
5, 12C, 20:XX:XX

Still feeling quite buzzy/energetic bordering on slightly manic. 7, 12C,
02:XX:XX

The last few days have been crazy and I haven't had a chance to write in the
diary. I have had so much to think about, remember to do, juggle. I am due
to leave on Tuesday after six years. I have enormous amounts to do and
that's even ruling out all the things I would like to have done before
leaving but haven't been able to. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX



*Anger*

Big thing, I take the next step in training. The group takes us/me into
anger in such a strong way. A step has been taken, a big thing. 1, 6C,
04:XX:XX

The group is weird tonight. I'm critical. I'm critical of people's
dependence on music and good tunes to find their dance. I'm critical of
their deep lack of responsibility for their experience. I play the stern
father instead and it's pretty weird! People leave, people sit out, but I'm
touched and shaken in a way that tells me at least something real happened.
I'm glad I didn't make it comfortable for them, and its scary for me to
ruffle feathers. 1, 6C, 23:XX:XX

Friend points out how critical I am today. 1, 6C, 24:XX:XX

During the workshop I expressed a lot of anger directed at maleness, quite
forcibly and loudly. I castrated my father very energetically and I wept and
tried to vomit him and his maleness out of me. I think it was the most
cathartic (I don't like using a jargon word like that but I can't think of
another) experience I've ever had and it left me feeling very exhausted and
very peaceful. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX

Dancing in a Masonic Hall is bizarre after being at Tim's. Rows of WASP's
staring down from their picture frames. I spent some time looking at their
faces, feeling my fear rise with my hackles. A fear of male dominance and
somewhere a fear of my own maleness, of acknowledging my male power which is
bursting to come forth. Wrapped in a blanket I began to feel the movement
come from my hips and as we worked I felt a primeval animal, sexual feeling,
like letting go into a sexual frenzy, being pushed and shoved and writhing.
Suddenly it changed and I was biting my pillow and screaming into it, really
screaming through clenched teeth, and kicking out and hitting the floor and
tantruming, thrashing. Tense anger. Screwed up, knotted up. Kicking and
hitting the floor. Contained, couldn't come out, squeezed, intense. I felt
tiny, very young and all alone and I was fucking angry, it's unfair came to
me and through me. And I gradually burnt out and wept and released and
soaked up the comforting hand stroking my hair and reassuring touch letting
me know it's OK, OK to be angry. It was wonderful to feel my anger, to feel
the passion of it and the emptying out into peace. And it's so basic, right
from my core and so unexpressed. I was reminded of the Shamanic journey,
soul retrieval I did, and how the part of my soul that wanted to return was
a very young me who was very angry and digging very hard to deal with it.
Maybe this was her expression, so I welcomed her back again and promised I
wouldn't keep her locked away. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX

The anger work we did today gave powerful expression to an emotion I've so
little expressed in my life. I could really feel it welling up from my belly
and firing out of my mouth. So good to find my voice. And in the letting go
of chaos this summoned anger became a "I don't want you to... I don't want
to..." expression. Pictures of my past, especially of ex partner fucking me
when I didn't want to and coming in me when he'd promise he wouldn't, that
picture kept returning, along with unvisualised feelings of male violation,
of being pushed around by me, of being let down. And the amazing thing was
that everyone seemed to have released at the same time, as I moved into
weeping, I could hear a room of sadness, of moaning, it was beautiful, and
then we danced. I felt raw, open, true, happy in my sadness - I felt alive.
3, 30C, 02:XX:XX

Contacting my anger. Quite removed from it. 3, 30C, 03:XX:XX

Today feel hurt and vulnerable. And angry. What the fuck. Why am I staying
with this. I do feel angry. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX

Intense irritation with children. Son not going to sleep - feel I could
shout, I shake him - leave me alone. Every noise is irritating. 4, 6C,
00:XX:XX

Broke glass of picture frame whilst completing framing it - angry with
myself. Shouted "no" at the top of my voice and felt the power of it
reverberating around the house. Cleared glass up - difficult to get into bag
so smashed the glass with my foot, stamped hard, jarred leg twice Releasing
anger - felt better- not tearful any longer. Also noted that I had spilt
candle wax on the rug last night - hardly ever those kinds of accidents. and
knocked cup of juice over on table this morning. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX

Had a reflection about my anger towards my daughter. When she was 11 I
bullied her. Felt shame. Recognised I had an irrational irritation. Thinking
about how my behaviour affects others - that in some ways I have been immune
to at the time, after I can feel ashamed but at the time I just don't care -
my anger will be expressed. Feeling shamed and tearful that I don't care
when about the fear and upset of the children when I am angry. 4, 6C,
01:XX:XX

Feel like sleeping a lot but too much to do. Feel like being alone, to
remove myself. Fractious and snappy with children, definitely don't want to
talk Feel low and tearful. Don't want sympathy or consolation. Felt
extremely angry with the mouth ulcer. It was an impediment. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Snapped at daughter for asking stupid questions and making me talk. 4, 6C,
05:XX:XX

Short tempered in the afternoon, snappy and irritable. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Angry episodes: Car pulled out in front of me, wanted to make them
acknowledge that they nearly caused an accident. Wanted to chase after them
and stop them! Road rage. Delivered son to his father. Lily the dog is on
heat, he had agreed not to leave her outside on a chain, she was outside on
a chain. Felt absolute fury, would have smashed his head to smithereens had
I seen him. Later I don't feel so exasperated with things, girls being
lovely. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Son refused to go to school. Felt absolute rage towards him, wanted to force
him but was not prepared to drag him screaming to school. Feel dreadful.
Irritable and short tempered and belligerent. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

I have a stinking cold and am pissed off. 4, 6C, 15:XX:XX

I had a really emotional day at work. I cried after the meeting. I never cry
at work and everything just felt so much more heightened emotionally. I just
felt so frustrated with them and angry that won't just move on; it is like
the heightened emotions have been feeling in terms of joy, etc. just flipped
over. I cried and felt much better. 5, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Went around slamming doors, demented woman. Full Moon, thought I'm turning
into a werewolf, anger so uncontrollable. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX

My New Years Resolution is to control my anger and save the kids from any
more hurt if at all possible. 6, 30C, 45:XX:XX

I have been feeling overwhelming grumpiness tinged with resentment and
crossness that I have to spend so much time travelling on crowded motorways,
that it is eating up 2/3 evenings a week just travelling, that trains are
late, delayed and cancelled and that I have too much to do and no sign of
let up. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Got really, really angry about woman next door - telling me where to park.
Was angry at anything and everything. I usually cry to release anger but
didn't want to; was enjoying being angry. 8, 30C, 06:XX:XX



*Trapped*

No time today. Toddler group, office, snatch an hour to dance. Energy
quickly sunk. I am tired! Looking after 2 kids for the evening, as soon as
they are both asleep I'm back in the office. Noticeable that once I have
finished for the day I don't sit down with a book or go to bed, but put on a
training video to learn how to pro-pack my parachute! So I'm in that wired
mood where I feel there is so much to get done, and every spare minute I
have to squeeze another task in. Have dropped into slower pace since moving
to Bristol but picked up again since the remedy. Kind of goes with the rest,
the stronger sexuality, the craving for cigarettes and drugs, my deepened
fierceness. [I feel 'I wont take no shit' vibe in my energy that is
stronger.] 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Teachers meeting today. Didn't want to be there, not sexy enough. Boring
talking about work. Everyone being nice to each other, what the fuck is
that! Me to though; I don't want to come out and be real - none of the
people am I particularly close to. Again this gritty 'don't mess with me'
feeling. My boundaries are deep and clear. Looking for openings even with
those I am not close to; looking for ways to be real but choosy about when.
1, 6C, 08:XX:XX

Getting ready to go this morning feel unusually excited, like I used to when
I first began teaching abroad. Also really hard leaving family. 1, 6C,
09:XX:XX

A bit anxious again about travelling. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

I'm so in love, like I'm in this thing called love. Don't want to be caught
by anything just want to flow. People want to hold on to me, grab pieces of
me and I don't quite know how not to be caught. Very tired, energy comes
back when I get back and have a bath on my own. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX

Anti-sleep conspiracy by god experience - son up until 11 by which time I'm
exhausted. 1, 6C, 29:XX:XX

It's been a difficult and painful day. I've felt very lonely and I've kept
landing up working with the same person - I find his depressed frozenness is
more than I can cope with. The rolled-up-in-a-blanket work was terrible. I
needed someone strong to work with, not him. I got deep, deep, deep into
despair screaming and crying, rolled up in a tight ball as I could, trying
to burrow my way through the floor and out of me. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX

Very worried about work. An overwhelming sense of impending catastrophe and
failure. I just can't do it all, can't get it right. My stomach is really
knitted with anxiety. 2, 12C, 17:XX:XX

Was working forward to solitude today and getting things done. Had a
migraine instead, I'm getting tired with keeping this diary and I'm pissed
off that it's difficult to contact supervisor and that she hasn't rang me
back. I feel I'm on a bit of a treadmill and I'm far too good-natured just
to get off. I'd like a date for stopping and I won't get this till I can get
in touch with her. 2, 12C, 17:XX:XX

I feel lost and there is anxiety rising that I'm going to get stuck, that
the dynamic energy waiting to create change has left me. I think that I'm
thinking too much about changing my career, ending my relationship, and
somewhere have lost contact with the feeling. I've sprung out of myself and
I 'm tired. 3, 30C, 13:XX:XX

I'm here to be on my own. To come back to myself. Have a bit of self loving.
Anxious that I'm going to be stuck. 3, 30C, 13:XX:XX

I need space, felt irritated meeting partner even though we haven't seen
each other for a few days. 3, 30C, 18:XX:XX

I'm keeping my head above water. Wish I could sail above it a bit more, not
let partner get me down. 5, 12C, 08:XX:XX

Fell suffocated in the house, on guard, in fresh air feel freer and happier,
that's when I come alive. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX

Feel home bound. 5, 12C, 29:XX:XX

It is becoming more and more apparent to me how much I hate being tied to
the house. Recently, being in the house makes me feel quite claustrophobic.
I feel much more alive for being out and about. 6, 30C, 06:XX:XX

* *

*Boundaries*

Strong desire for partner. I feel so in my sexuality like I've stepped over
into boundlessness with it, I feel attracted to everyone. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Totally clear about boundaries. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

The group finally cracks open today, but continues to be quite difficult at
times. I'm just totally involved in them. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

This evening has been all rush and mess. I feel the tensions of the outside
world gripping me again but I am learning to resist them. 2, 12C, 05:XX:XX

Then I've realized I have to go in to work, bring some home and work on it
in the afternoon. This is not my idea of how to spend the weekend and I
realize I still haven't sorted out this issue of how not to keep myself
permanently over-burdened with work. 2, 12C, 10:XX:XX

It's been an interesting weekend. I had a very angry exchange with one of
the dance group - angry on his part, that is, clear and direct, I honestly
think, on mine. A tiny element of the saved up hurt spectacularly dumped but
I don't think that was really what it was about for me. As a relatively new
convert to non-victimhood I'm finding victims particularly annoying and you
can't moan around the way he does and then start shouting about not being a
fucking victim. You can't have it both ways. I have felt so ill for much of
the weekend, but I think the illness has taught me a lot. I know it's been
caused by overwork/worry and now by body is digging its heels in and just
refusing to be whipped on. And meanwhile my poems are waiting to be written.
I have, have, have to slow down and clear space. I cannot go on as I have
been this past year. I must take on less work, and fewer 'virtuous'
activities. The Labour Party has got to go because that's not even improving
the world! I should have said that the weekend included some very powerful
work when I first danced the chaos of my ancestors - poverty, dirt, disease
and then madness and booze on top of it, and then finally danced forgiveness
and hope for myself and my father and finally and most terribly, for my
father's penis. 2, 12C, 32:XX:XX

A sense of my own physical vulnerability, soft and flesh inside a not so
hard shell. 3, 30C, 01:20.00

There is a softening of my edges - less of myself getting in the way. I
loved the tenderness of this evening, the way this group of people look for
ways of creating pleasure. I'm aware of my wanting for tenderness, for slow
purposeful touch. 3, 30C, 02:23:55

Realised how much I am closed to myself. Got lost in goals. I was losing
contact with my feelings. I was pushing. 3, 30C, 24:XX:XX

Very aware of my movements and skin holding my body together. 4, 6C,
00:XX:XX

Partner came home with a sewing machine and I joked that now I would be
really confined to the house - cooking, cleaning and now sewing! His remark
was apparently a joke -'what oven chips?'. I was livid with anger because
Monday I cooked a Mexican meal, Tuesday I cooked an Indian meal, Wednesday
we had an English meal (home cooked), Thursday we had oven chips with
sausages and home made coleslaw. Tonight I am planning to cook a Chinese. I
felt that he is never happy with my cooking and he never gives me any
praise. I felt I was very wronged and I was so livid with anger I threw the
sewing machine outside the house - it was only an old one anyway. I felt he
was being very unfair. 6, 30C, 12:XX:XX

Usually if there is a conflict between us, it doesn't affect my attitude to
the kids but today I felt quite withdrawn, upset, unfairly treated and most
definitely very angry. I let him know it! 6, 30C, 12:XX:XX

I am still seething with anger. I feel unappreciated, unloved, underrated,
undermined. I feel maybe my anger and behaviour may be 'over the top' - it's
hard to tell when you're the one feeling what you're feeling. I feel like I
deserved some appreciation for washing, cooking, bringing up the kids, and
basically doing the best I can to keep the household together. I may not be
wonderful but I put my heart into what I do. So his comment was very unfair
and unjustified. 6, 30C, 13:XX:XX

Worse morning of my life! Still not feeling very well. Partner came
downstairs as I was getting ready to take daughter and a friend's little boy
to school. "Are you going to help me with shopping, cleaning the house?" he
demanded. I'm not usually at my best first thing in the morning but worse
still when I'm not feeling well. So I did not answer, especially since
yesterday's outburst at me. I could not believe my ears with what he shouted
next "Your dad shagged you, your mother sold you off, you're a lazy cow/cunt
in the pretence you have the flu" I stood speechless in shock, numb. This
was all said in front of my 10 year old daughter. I felt there is no way I
can carry on with this relationship. 6, 30C, 36:XX:XX



*Body Image*

Feeling not very attractive in my body since I have put on probably almost
two stone over the past year. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX

As I was going to sleep last night, I felt that my fingers had shrunk -
short and stubby. Had to switch the light on to check they were still there.
8, 30C, 01:XX:XX

I am noticing the yellowness in green - the fields are more yellow than
blue! 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX

I am feeling very close to the ground. I walk around grounds at work during
breaks, and am very aware of the ground being very near me. Am noticing
small differences in inclines on the roads. Hills are steeper - which isn't
too great when running, but interesting nevertheless. 8, 30C, 02:XX:XX

Am not enthusiastic about exercise. Didn't go to gym yesterday lunch time as
had book to read for homework and used this as excuse not to go. Don't even
feel that guilty, went to gym today, but only in anticipation of eating lots
at xmas-do. Haven't been getting desperate over food. Still eat the usual
minimum out of habit. But I was fine! Well, was starving but not feeling
faint like I usually would. Maybe conserving energy not being hyper. 8, 30C,
03:XX:XX

At team xmas do - curry. Ate too much, drank too much, smoked too much.
Great fun, but got home & felt that will burst - doubled over. Was sick;
just too much in stomach, but fine otherwise. 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX

My posture is getting worse, I am stooping, shoulders even more rounded. 8,
30C, 11:XX:XX

Went to do on bus, wrapped up over my 'best' dress. Got there feeling OK -
not particularly glamorous but not as fat as I felt when I left the house.
Everyone had really, really dressed up & looked gorgeous - I felt pretty
shabby again. Found it quite hard to mingle. Usually I would go out of my
way to be friendly/outrageous, etc. but was so outnumbered by the glamorous
girls, felt totally inadequate. They are all very gorgeous, very loud and
also very drunk - no competition. Drink loads; our table is loudest & get
told off by Customer Service Director. Food was gorgeous but felt really
very unattractive, especially while eating & too drunk to appreciate food.
We were going around the table downing glasses of wine in turn as the rest
of the table sang you on. 8, 30C, 12:XX:XX

Went to loos with the girls - full of full-length mirrors; and to my shock
and surprise in my drunkenness I actually look fine. I don't look too fat. I
look OK. For one split second, when I saw myself in that mirror, I was
attractive - just as glamorous as the other girls. I can still remember that
feeling, now that the alcohol has worn off, and it feels like a dream. In
the reflection I was normal, not hideously ugly, quite slim and attractive,
even! I looked OK. If only this were true! It was an incredible experience.
8, 30C, 12:XX:XX

Felt quite attractive, grounded and able. 8, 30C, 13:XX:XX



*Playfulness*

Really looking forward to group tonight. Session has a quality that is
completely new in 7 years of teaching - I totally let go, in past when I've
done sessions that are playful I look out for any possibility of deep and
meaningful. Not tonight! I joined in with more surrender. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX

On-going group goes mad again! They don't need much prompting to go into
zany, lyrical. Great fun to be with. 1, 6C, 14:XX:XX

Wake feeling happily excited, like it's Christmas and I'm 11 years old. 1,
6C, 27:XX:XX

The dance group this evening was such fun. I'd been thinking earlier as I
tried to find something vaguely frivolous in my wardrobe "Well, it's because
what I wear isn't that important to me. All I aim for is to pass muster. And
that's OK, that's who I am. It's been important to learn to move, important
to shout but important to wear remarkable clothes? - No, it's just not an
issue for me" Then I spent the whole evening eagerly changing from one
garment to another and waiting impatiently for a wig to be available! I
loved the fun and riotousness of which there was much in the group. 2, 12C,
06:XX:XX

Fantastic dressing up session of dance, bright. I loved the innocence of it,
the "I can be who I want to be", the spontaneity. I felt really good. It
felt good to be me, creating and expressing. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
*

Dreams

***

Wake at 6.30 a.m. from an extraordinary dream. I am leading a workshop its
outdoors at some convention, there are many Christians there; there is a
huge flying sign saying something about god I think; It's all very surreal
and hard to describe, but I feel really good, in tune and filled with the
spirit of things, strong, plugged in. 1, 6C, 01:XX:XX

I'm driving and overtake a car on a narrow road. Suddenly I notice steep
sandstone walls rising each side of the road. Then I see in the headlights
the walls rise to a curved roof, it's a tunnel about 70 feet high with
perfectly straight walls I am so shocked I wake up. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX

I'm in a station, lots of people, and I'm right on the pulse, wending my way
through, playing and flirting with all the women in a highly enjoyable way.
Even when one spits at me from a long distance I dance out of the globules
way with a skip, gleefully stick my tongue out at her and move on. Feel
plugged in, vibrant, playful spirited. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Again surreal and macabre. Pulling out into heavy traffic, several lanes.
Soldiers line the roadside, directing the traffic into middle lanes using
supermarket trolleys. Then I'm on a bike, friend on the back, instead of a
car. Were in an alleyway, path becomes blocked by scaffolding. Have to pick
up the bike and pass it through, and meet a naked woman covered in mud and
dirt - she lives on the street. As we leave the alleyway I pick up a dirty
cardboard roll by mistake instead of the bike. Realising my mistake I turn
back to see the woman and her man closing the door. In my effort to get
there quick enough to rescue my bike I sit up in bed and wake up. Felt
disturbed. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Extraordinary dreams! I'm living at my childhood home, or rather have my
office there. The house is full of my friends. Feels good [an unusual
feeling for dreams of that house!]. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

This one felt weird, surreal and scary. It's like a film. A shot of a woman
lying on the sea bed, top ripped open and the blade [no handle] of a sword
sticking out of her chest between her breasts. A man comes and carries her
up to the surface and there's a lurid shot of her, mouth half open with
lipstick so dark it's almost black, and she seems to be alive after all.
Next shot on land and she pulls the blade out and stabs slowly the man with
it. He turns, becomes almost invisible, then cut to shot of rocket taking
off and I somehow know the man and woman are in it both alive, a macabre
feeling to it. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Dream. Darkly sexual with partner, like we are in a film. We are kind of
playing power games around sex. Not unpleasant but disturbing. 1, 6C,
09:XX:XX

Dream. Very weird scenario, dark, disturbing, violent, being chased by
various characters with long spear [wooden, pale colour] one on horseback. I
also have a spear and manage to win all the fights by physical skill and
mental cunning. Dark and horrible vibe. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Dream. I'm in bed first someone comes in and I am feeling very vulnerable
being asleep. Then family turn up and I have to get up, I'm so upset at
being deprived of my sleep that I cry. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX

Dream. Three black guys at a workshop I'm teaching. I keep offending one of
them and foolishly get caught up in trying to explain myself. Later people
are putting hundreds of pieces of bluetack on the floor covered with a
little bit of masking tape. I tell them it's the wrong way round the
bluetack should be on the tape. Picky and anxious. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX

Dream: I'm in a performance in an open air stadium. I have never seen the
script, have no idea when I should go on, or what to do. I have no clothes
on! I am sitting in the audience at the feet of my grandmother. I get some
idea it's my turn to go on and do so, do my best to dance but I'm unhappy
with it & get very fed up afterwards. A curious thing - at one point I look
up and see that I'm looking down on a ski slope. We're upside down in the
sky. The workshop this weekend is dealing with the balance of power and
vulnerability. Dancing out the various aspects of my dream I discover that
my laptop was my power. I had no clothes but I did have my laptop, which I
foolishly discarded as irrelevant when I had to go on stage. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Dream. Driving to catch a train, partner is following in another car and we
lose her. We get caught in a jam and turn back to go another way, with only
6 minutes to go. Dream has an anxious feel. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Dream. Following someone to his house along a track that gets more and more
waterlogged until we come to it and his front door is almost in the river.
Inside its dark, damp; a hovel. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Dream: I'm arguing with partner but its not her it's my first wife. The top
floor of our house is gushing water from every orifice like a Marquez novel.
My feeling is angry underneath overwhelmed. I wake angry with partner and it
takes me a few minutes to let it go. 1, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Dream: Son crawling around becomes a small dog. I'm slightly anxiously
following him around taking care he doesn't hurt himself. 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX

Dream: Trying to get to a theatre show, all kinds of obstacles. Partner's
out and it becomes clear she wont make it in time. I end up completely
sidetracked and plying with a young boy and being stern with him for
mishandling a sword. Feeling edgy, pushy and anxious. 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX

Dream: I'm about to do a skydive when someone points out that my chest strap
is completely disconnected. I look at the person who did my flight-line
check and see she has got bare feet and looks like a child. I am ashamed and
feel stupid and afraid. Not sure I can get my strap on properly in time. The
other guys seem like pros and I'm not even worthy of amateur status. 1, 6C,
14:XX:XX

Dream of old girlfriend. Were in a room with a dozen other people. She's too
quick and too clever, like a snake, and she manages to 'catch' me
energetically, not awful feeling, but not what I want. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX

Dream: My bible, it has incredible power, although a different cover to
reality. Someone has it who shouldn't have it. Then were in a building
looking for someone. Can't see them, but then a trap door in ceiling closes
very slowly & quietly and I realise were being watched, and I wake in a cold
dread. Feeling something deeply wrong and frightening. At the end I feel in
terrible danger of being shot. 1, 6C, 26:XX:XX

Dream. I'm running a workshop, its about to begin and I see to my dismay
that women are turning up. I'd intended it to be a man's group! I sink into
my chair in shame and dismay while the other organisers laugh about it. I
must have been unclear in my wording on the flyer, I think. I feel stupid, a
failure, a half-baked teacher. 1, 6C, 28:XX:XX

Dream again with homosexual thread. Complex manoeuvring from room to room.
Not unpleasant, just surreal and strange. Quite friendly again. 1, 6C,
30:XX:XX

Amazing dream. I'm in a time warp of some kind. With a couple of friends
walking through the shattered remains of buildings in Berlin [except it
doesn't look like Berlin - there are hills]. With one friend I climb a
nearby hill/mountain, I am some how transported back to present - arrive in
a subway station. There are many of us materialising there and I realise
lots of us were together on this journey through time and I am crying and
crying with gratitude and love for the beauty of it all. This felt like a
real soul dream, very real. A deep heart dream. 1, 6C, 31:XX:XX

Two interesting characters in a dream - one is a slightly deformed young man
[we're in a public toilet in a theatre] who is sitting hunched up in the
sink washing himself. He's got a cloth rope tied to the tap and around
himself like a sling to stop himself falling out whilst he vigorously washes
- his muscle control isn't so good - he would fall out without it. The
second is a kind of uniformed attendant who frisks me as I enter the toilet.
He is so nervous as he does this that I can feel strong waves of his fear.
These are the two sides to me relating to what people think of me - the
first is totally self-contained and couldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks,
the second is utterly preoccupied with how people see me! This dream was in
the middle of the night. When I wake it is still early but I wake really
sexually charged. I can feel that this is to do with the group, so I let it
circulate in side myself, don't try to discharge it. 1, 6C, 32:XX:XX

Dream with friend. In the dream I am very ill and look terrible. He is very
tender. 1, 6C, 35:XX:XX

I've just been dreaming. Can't remember main plot but the elements were; my
sister, rope, a knife, a map, some criminals. It wasn't violent as that
might indicate but there was a definite threat of violence. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX
Dreamt last night, almost this morning - that I was sitting in a big garden
reading. An old man came down the path. He looked a little odd but he
climbed up a ladder. Feeling a bit nervous, I picked up my huge pile of open
books and went indoors, into a big dining hall. My friends were eating at a
table (no-one I know in real life) then another friend, came up a bit
diffidently and asked if she could join us. We made her very welcome. 2,
12C, 18:XX:XX

I also dreamed the phone went and it was my son: "Have you heard the news?"
he said. I said "No" and he broke into tears and said "Mafeking's been
relieved". 2, 12C, 30:XX:XX

Dreamt last night, first that we couldn't find son and then that I was in
Ethiopia having been sent there by Oxfam. We were on some sort of coach
trip, with lots of Ethiopian girls and we kept getting left behind. 2, 12C,
41:XX:XX

Dreamt went to see great female sage. Very powerful - I was bent almost
double, backward by her power. And then I had to go to the loo in a glass
walled cubicle full of rushing, swishing water with huge areas of plastic
bricks bobbing around in it. Woke from dreams but I didn't have a full
bladder in reality. In both parts of the dream there was a sense of great
joy. In the first part we were all trying to write her name and my former
therapist was saying 'No, you know who she is.' Most recently I've been
dreaming about having infertility treatment and then about asylum seeker
having infertility treatment. 2, 12C, 43:XX:XX

Dreaming about hot air balloons and rain. 2, 12C, 44:XX:XX

Dream: Partner leaned across and pinched my nipple, and I immediately said
"I don't want you to do that" He responded in some way with a "Oh, you've
changed because you've been away dancing all weekend, you never used to
mind". But I had always minded (not sure whether or not I said this). 3,
30C, 04:XX:XX

Dream: Three guys in a bar, giggling at the invasion of a photographer
trying to get a secret picture of them on a night out. I was struck how they
laughed instead of getting angry. 3, 30C, 04:XX:XX

Dream. I am attending a law school of some sort. The colour deep purple is
important. In the dream there is a feeling of conflict - I am thinking of
moving away from the college - in some way I am not settled - I feel there
is a better place - somehow I don't fit in. Old school friends are in the
dream- they feel like allies. There is a sense of being pushed out- not very
strong like persecution but that kind of feeling - also a gentle pull
towards something better. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX

Dream centered on a centre with a building or series of buildings that were
not at ground level but below ground level. Feeling for some sort of
playground, or fort - lots of timber structures. On reflection there is a
sense of something both secretive and protected around this centre. I recall
seeing it from above, looking down - it is hidden from general view. 4, 6C,
02:XX:XX

Dream: I had a big old house that needed a lot of work - it was on a
hillside. I lived there with an Irish man and his family - lots of children.
For some reason I sold the house to the man with an understanding that he
would sell the house back to me very cheaply. The man was stocky and not so
bright I thought he was kind and good. He changed the house by removing the
front door and sealing up the front - the back door was always surrounded by
lots of children. I was trapped - I felt so stuck, frustrated. Why did I
sell the house? I phone friend and was so upset. Feeling of terrible
frustration, the man was not going to keep the agreement. I went to the man
who was painting the front wall (used to be door) white, I was furious and
shouted at him that there was only one entrance, had he checked building
regulations (this was a brain wave in my dream- ha ha - I suddenly have the
thing that will change it, 'the law') it was against building regulations
-he would have to change the door back. Very sure and determined voice,
holding my ground, I was right. He looked confused. I felt an incredible
relief. A coach load of sports people was outside the house. I shouted to
them you can't use the facilities again, we only have one exit and that is
against the law. There were murmuring of surprise. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Dream: My child is in a little car on the road. It is very small and in
danger of being squashed by the cars that pass. I am very anxious but tell
her that she must go. There is an urgency, a feeling of not safe, that she
will be all right. Next scene- I find her in a sort of rabbit hutch with a
run with another child lying on its side attempting to peck at food. I feel
so sad, I want to help but am not allowed to. Daughter runs out of the cage
through the door, I tell her it will be OK and she turns back crestfallen.
4, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Connection with buying some clothes that I wasn't sure about-couldn't
afford, not sure they suit me. Wondered what the Lama's face was like -
brown ,wrinkled and smooth at the same time, smooth eyes carried the sorrow
of the world, made me cry. Connected with Lama at retreat, big smile but
eyes carried concern, sorrow. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX

Dream of a proving group. I am looking in the mirror, I see myself and I am
shocked: right breast very large, swollen, not painful, top is exposed but
no shame about it. Egg shaped lump just below my ribs, I can take hold of
this lump. I feel panic and need to talk to someone. A lecturer passes on
the stairs. I try to catch her but she says "sorry can't stop, you know how
this proving is. " obviously making her way to the loo urgently. Lots of
people around, no one to talk to, don't know these people but am relaxed
with them. The breast/lump concerns me. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Dream: Animals outside my bedroom window. There are lovely monkeys and
parrots, brightly coloured, climbing tree branches right next to the window.
Big eyes peering in, the windows are very big, my bed is beneath them. I
notice the window is open. Then I see a big tabby cat with beautiful yellow
eyes, stripy coat like an ocelot. She tries to come in the window and I
quickly go to the window to push her out. I have to climb on the bed which
is squashy. She is very strong but soft, with big paws and claws, she pushes
in. I am determined to keep her out but she slides into my body, hands
sliding on her glossy coat. I am quite firm with her talking to her, calm
and determined, she is going out. It seems to be a challenge to her, she
tussles with me. Now actually through the window I notice that she has not
used her teeth or claws to get in, she is strong and muscled, so beautiful
and feels fantastic to hold, heavy and full of energy and life and power. I
turn her back through the partially open window head first. She is not
pleased but shows no signs of irritation or anger, her ears are back. 4, 6C,
05:XX:XX

Dream: Invited to a ball over the phone. The women are to wear mineral
dresses. Lots of discussion about what this means. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Dream: It is in an old college, above me there is a gothic window,
beautiful, with a man leaning out with a palette and brush. Very romantic
scene. On the pavement level where I am there is a man that comes and sits
cross legged next to me he is naked. I am sitting with a cat with a shirt on
(it seems like a child but definitely a cat) that is lounging on the
pavement. I am drawing the cat. The man in the window is beautiful, long
curly blonde hair, a soft face, delicate with fine features, 'feminine' but
not effeminate, he shines. He speaks to me, suddenly next to me looking over
my shoulder at my work. His voice is strong and deep and gentle, he carries
great authority. He says "I noticed your work before. You go straight for
the eyes. I like that, that is a good way to approach. Keep practising you
can develop this talent. " I am a bit embarrassed, I am bashful, my work is
not good but I receive his encouragement and tell myself keep at it. This
has promise. He shows me his work, it is amazing. He instructs the naked man
to get me a copy. His work is complete and full of. He walks away, he walks
lightly and strongly, he turns and comes back, "What is your name?" I say
clumsily: "Oh, sorry" as I notice my demanding tone "who are you?" with more
humour and inquiry. He shows me his signature which I cannot really read. I
smile and thank him. I open the brochure to the art college, his signature
is on the leading page, he is the principle of the art college. I feel
humbled and very pleased that he indicated I had 'promise'. During this bit
of the dream I adjust the shirt on the cat, undo his top button. There is a
sexual feeling to this and I am very self conscious and hope no one has
noticed! 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Dream: There is a trolley laden with delicious foods, great piles of
raspberries, and other pastry/sweet/savory delicious things that I desire. I
want to eat, not hunger, it is desire. I want something unhealthy, but
someone next to me says "the raspberries are very fresh and lovely and
healthy. " I know that I am being told to eat them but I want something
else. I deliberate. Around me people are eating. I can't decide, I look
desperately from one person to another enjoying their nosh, sense of
desperation rising, I can't decide. I want it all, frustration. When I
decide it has gone. . Terrible feeling: upset, frustrated, anxious, hurried,
panicky. Want to find it, look around and then start walking. I shout "Shit
I can't have what I want because I don't know what it is. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Dream: Walking along a path behind some houses - the path goes up through
someone's garden. They have recently done up their home, very attractive at
the back with lots of wood, they have used bark a lot. I know the front of
the house and it is also well done with wood. There are suddenly quite a few
people going from the path up to the house - we have to climb under a wire
mesh fence. 4, 6C, 07:XX:XX

Dream: Given a talk by older female on some historical aspect. The children
of the Eastern Europe came up. I was walking along the bank of a river,
semi-industrial, poverty, grey, flat, where children were camped. No adults.
The children were not clean, darkish skinned, quite small boned, fine
features. Most of them had their genitals exposed, sitting in
prams/pushchairs. I watched the children who were sexually playing with each
other, one doing somersaults on the other's lap, male on female. Others were
fingering their genitals. It all seemed quite normal. I had to get away and
had to cross a body of water, seemed still or slow flowing, sort of
stagnant. I was worried about swallowing any and really didn't want to go
through it but had to, so did with a feeling of dread. Wading out the water
the other side I saw dead fish floating, disgusted and hurried through, the
water was very polluted and I was worried about being contaminated. I could
feel it sticking to my skin, desperate to get a shower. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Dream: Women having babies, something odd about the women: monkeys? Aliens?
Different- running commentary over the top of the action, like a
documentary, Being shown how the women have babies. The teeth are looked at
when the birth is complete. The teeth have faeces attached, saw one woman
"see no faeces attached to the front teeth". Saw another who was in trouble,
distressed and wandering. Looked at teeth and saw lumps of faeces there.
Must find the baby. Searching in cloth cubicles, the female is quite
distressed and I become distressed, I am taking the baby in my teeth. Wake
up, ghastly dream. Yuk - shocking, but also feel upset, poor little things.
4, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Dream. At school teaching, cannot find my timetable or any thing to tell me
what I am supposed to be doing. Great sense of frustration and eventually
overwhelmed and give up, feeling dreadful, slunk away and hid. 4, 6C,
10:XX:XX

Dream of some sort of strange voting system, the vote is measured by the
amount of water that falls via a fountain into a trough. I cheat. There are
men walking up and down on a kind of circuit, they are reciting poetry/verse
- some is very amusing - then they start working together and telling
stories one line each, in different voices - wonderfully amusing and clever.
4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Dream: Enormous wedding, crowds of people attempting to get some food, etc.
Sheer extravagance. On my own, just thinking 'how ridiculous'. 4, 6C,
11:XX:XX

Dream: I am in an office, high up, and am attempting to do something, I
don't actually know what, that I keep getting wrong. I try to put my shirt
on as though they are trousers. I put on a white shirt over a black vest-top
and go to look in a room with many mirrors. I am wearing a coral coloured
suit-jacket and skirt (just like my mother might wear). I am concerned about
how fat I look. I realise that I am fat, it is not the suit and wake up.
Awake thinking I must loose some weight. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Dream: We are at home in the living room. It is a relaxed feeling. There is
me, two girls, a father, and a small boy in stripy shorts. A fighter plane
suddenly crashes through the wall making a smallish hole and flies up
through the ceiling which disappears. Another bigger and darker plane
crashes through. I am holding the baby close to me and we rush out to the
chaos, people and shelves with things arranged on them around the outside of
the field. There are soldiers there directing people. I'm not sure whether
they are friendly or not but I feel no fear. I have the girls and the baby
but can't find the boy and father. I start looking amongst the shelves and
feel worried. The girls point out movement on a shelf, it is a wounded doll
and wounded soldier. I pick them up and hold them. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Dream: In a hollow surrounding by trees, looking up at a big house, a
restaurant in the country. I am sexually excited, masturbating - clitoral,
aware that they can see the upper part of me. I come to a climax. I then go
to the house/restaurant to find the toilet, but can't find it, wandering
around in the restaurant lots of people, rustic type decor, old farmhouse
with quarry tiles, etc. Someone directs me to the loo. I have to go through
the wall Harry Potter style. I walk towards the wall and then it becomes
obvious that it is a door and I go through. 4, 6C, 13:XX:XX

Dream; going to get a cup of tea at a depot - Royal Mail. I have to jostle
with the postmen in a friendly way. One leans across me and I feel the
weight of his arm on my abdomen - very male very strong and heavy, sexually
arousing. Suddenly I miss being held. Driving along in a van - another
postman is there - there is a strong attraction between us - it is a lovely
feeling, exciting and enlivening- there is a connection- I say "you are
married aren't you?" he says yes but it doesn't matter. I tell him that it
does - that as much as I am pulled I will not enter into a sexual
relationship. He tries to persuade me by holding me in an embrace - I am
driving. We pass another vehicle - in it is a colleague of his and he sees
us. We go back to see him. I am in a big house- it is very modem, very plush
and I am there as the 'help'- there is a slim, blonde, tall, smart looking
woman who starts talking to me - she thinks I know about the set up there.
The postmen are lurking in the house! A dynamic dark haired, slim,
extraordinary looking woman whooshes in - with authority - she is the boss,
The 'lover' postman says "I don't like her". We are settled in comfortable
chairs around a TV - it is a presentation of a financial nature. I fall
asleep and am woken by the woman next to me- apparently I was snoring- it is
not good to fall asleep - lack of respect. 4, 6C, 13:XX:XX

Dream: In a forest making long ladders of rustic wood with platforms at the
top Very exciting in the wood driving around and in anticipation of climbing
up. Feel like monkey type group, together and coherent, very clear and
exciting. 4, 6C, 14:XX:XX

In a group of student homoeopaths, we split into two groups the serious and
the frivolous, I am in the later group. We are studying how to do a
tapestry. I do not achieve anything much, no guidance. After a while
frustrated I go to see the other group they have lots of illustrations to
work from, beautiful pictures, bright colours. Exciting and difficult to
choose what to do, so still a sense of frustration, unable to start. I look
at other work and am envious but feel pole axed rather than inspired, feel
trapped. We have run out of time. I have achieved nothing and feel the sense
of uselessness. The images in this dream are so beautiful and clear. 4, 6C,
15:XX:XX

Dream: Travelling somewhere - a journey on a small motorbike. Somehow I am
transported to this place, seems like a home but not mine, another way and I
am going on by motorbike. I have to gather things - feels ritualistic - a
compartmentalised basket with 4 sections- candles in one, can't remember
what the other things are. I have gathered these and am listening to some
music on a stereo when friend arrives and is anxious to go - it is getting
dark. I make haste -just thinking about the fact that I haven't yet tried
the motorbike when I wake up. 4, 6C, 16:XX:XX

Dream not so clear - in a town- I am alternately the aggressor and aggressed
in lots of conflict - feeling not taken seriously and angry reactions and
refusal to be drawn into this 'playacting' of emotional rancour. In the
dream knowledge that I am behaving badly - even the concept of hormonal
imbalance as excuse. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX

Dream: On a farm, several people, me and other adults, hiding like children,
smoking in the barn behind the machinery. The farm belongs to neighbours and
their two dogs, Alsation and retriever. I am frightened of the retriever. I
drive off the farm with the help of farmer's son distracting the dogs. 4,
6C, 20:XX:XX

Dream: I am with a man he treats me very well and is respectful. We live in
a large house: open plan, wooden floors with a big entrance. There are lots
of people there like a public throughway yet also like a home. We are
walking along with a sense of connection between us. His ex-wife and her new
partner are there. We meet at a table. He goes off to another table not far
away, can see what goes on. I welcome the wife - she is lovely - about my
age, reddish hair and freckles on a fine featured face, she has a humility
that shines through her face. We are OK with each other and I reach across
and kiss her cheek. There is a large box of chocolates on the table that I
offer, it is untidy, papers all over the box. 4, 6C, 21:XX:XX

Dream: Camping at a festival. I was with the children. Friends also camping,
they camped away from us. Felt terrible sense of being ostracised, left out
and verbalised it "like a leper- kept on the edge of society"- it felt
dreadful. 4, 6C, 23:XX:XX

Dream: In a restaurant and lots of other people. There is a hose pipe that
is flooding the place with water. No panic just need to turn it off, seems
to be my responsibility, but I can't find the place. I have to step on a
part of the pipe. Eventually find it and step on it, then the pipe separates
and the water starts coming out on the part I have stepped on. I put my
finger over the end and stop it. 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX

Dream: In a group of young people that are wanting to go on an expedition,
camping to a cold country. Need clothes and equipment, shoplifting in an
outdoor shop, I do some dodgy deals, don't quite get caught but leave bag
behind and then cannot legitimately get it. Friend is caught. Lots of
tension and anxiety in the dream. 4, 6C, 30:XX:XX

Weird dreams. Remembered part of the dream which involved being lots of
rats/mice and feeling anxious/scared. 5, 12C, 08:XX:XX

Had really strange dream about being at a fair/marquee and having a gun -
being chased by people but because I had a gun I felt more powerful and less
scared than when I have had my recurring dreams about being in the
resistance and being chased (have not had this dream for about 18 months or
longer I think but used to have it a lot). I woke up feeling slightly
anxious. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX

Had really weird dream last night. At friend's house and had a middle room
which connected 2 staircases (even more strange I was in the same room in a
different dream a couple of months ago), dreamt that I read her diary, a
purple covered book which I then took. It was not her current diary, but
another friend saw it in my hand I pretended it was mine. I then was back
again in the room where I was staying and kept trying to replace it where I
had found it but there were always people coming and going. Woke up very
glad that it was not for real. 5, 12C, 17:XX:XX

Dreams that friends invited us to a dinner party but not enough food. They
are more friends of my other half. They have just renovated a house in which
I spent a lot of time as a child, my Grandmother's house. They renovated it
beautifully and I couldn't believe the difference. 6, 30C, 03:XX:XX

Dream - Penny and I were at some meeting or other regarding Homoeopathy. She
told me she was given Aurum 30 for a skin condition. I felt surprised and
flattered that she was asking my opinion. She mistook my look of
bewilderment for ignorance and said "It's made from Gold you know! 6, 30C,
24:XX:XX

Dream - I get the opportunity to move into a lovely flat in Park Street. In
the dream I am happy with my new abode. I look out of the window and a
couple are making love in the forecourt outside. It is dinnertime! The man
suddenly looked up and saw me staring. I embarrassingly moved away from the
window. Feeling of slight embarrassment at having been seen looking. Also
maybe slight envy of what is lacking in my life. 6, 30C, 33:XX:XX

Dream - We got a small snake to put in the garden. The garden in the dream
being my parents garden in Guyana. It was only a small snake but when it
arrived, I decided I didn't want the snake because it would be no good for
my son. 6, 30C, 38:XX:XX

Dream - Partner has a massive bruise on the left side of his face. He looks
awful but in the dream I think he looks funny and very much wanted to laugh.
He has apparently been hit by his older brother. In the end I couldn't help
myself and started laughing. I was too scared to laugh in case he hit me. He
didn't hit me but felt like he would have liked to. Woke up still seeing the
funny side of my dream. 6, 30C, 48:XX:XX

Dreamed of walking in snow in Tokyo, in bright sunshine - as part of group.
We were walking along a railway line, going through narrow passages and
under and over bridges, always in single file. The snow was crunchy and
beautiful, with the sun glistening on it. I felt I'd finally come home, and
was really very happy to walk this long way. 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX

Woke up at 6:05 a. m. with horrible dream. Dream had been going well - but
them cut to this frame, for educational video or something like that. Showed
a spirit of puppy entering into its body from energy of ancestry, in embryo
stage, passed down into body through 'tubes' of energy. Really beautiful
process. However, dream then goes on to puppy being in factory, and sold to
snake for food. Snake makes some comment, I know puppy is doomed and I am
sad at its fate - no life at all, no pleasure, just processed in factory to
be killed and eaten. Next in dream - same for elephant, in spirit entering
embryo. Should be in wild - but ancestral spirit appears in lab. As spirit
goes down tube of energy, voice of spirit cries 'No, I want a womb, I want
to be born of a mother! ' but ancestral spirits shake heads sadly. Elephant
destined to be born/bred in lab. This really, really upsets me. I wake up,
shaking and crying. My own womb feels cold and empty. My heart breaks.
Unfortunately feels like a significant dream. 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX

Woke up really scared; in dream we were in house. rushing to get out.
Friends also there. All trying to leave ASAP. I remember seeing picture
rails along our staircase, with lots of photos in frames hanging off. I know
we need to go now but also know we will be away for two weeks and had no
change. I am searching for pair of knickers & pair of socks to tide me over
- otherwise only have small bag and usual contents (purse, alarm clock,
bus-pass, keys and tobacco). Wake up before I find knickers, but scared and
anxious. Feel stupid writing this down as sounds silly, but the sense of
urgency an imminent danger was very real. 8, 30C, 06:XX:XX

I am, for some reason, in a high-rise flat - I think it's some kind of
halls-of-residence for Uni. There was a story behind this - I think it was
end of term, and I might have to catch a flight? Anyway I have to leave
immediately. But I can't. The room, although pretty spotless and totally
empty, has to be taken care of (cleaned, I think). And there's a tiny bit of
lettuce in the sink. I need to take this lettuce with me, and abseil down
the side of this huge, high-rise building. I'm not worried about the
abseiling - I am most concerned about the lettuce. I am getting desperate, I
need to take the lettuce with me, but can't find a plastic bag to put it in
- anywhere. Group of really cool students come in through window - they are
also abseiling down from higher but taking quick break. I feel very old
compared to them but then feel they are still my peers, they are fine about
me running around for plastic bag and just sit around. I am about to give up
and leave without it when I wake up, still in panic. It sounds really silly
writing this down now, but I was totally gripped with fear when I woke up
from this dream. 8, 30C, 19:XX:XX

In this dream, to be afraid of heights was a serious revelation. I was in
the fields where I go often in my dreams, where there are 3 or 4 really,
really tall towers. Like very, very high totem poles. I usually climb up
these and sit on the top, looking across amazing views all across the
landscape, into the twilight. However, this time it was different. This
tower, which usually is on level ground, is surrounded by grassy hills, and
isn't as tall as it usually is. It's not the usual crisp twilight scene, but
a grey and misty day with not v good visibility. The tower, rather than
being long and slender, is more torpedo-shaped with steps spiralling up the
sides. And the steps up it are made of perspex so you can see the ground
through each step. Worse still, the perspex is only attached to the central
spiral at one point - so is bendy. I was terrified. I couldn't climb the
steps, because they were bendy and they were giving way and I didn't want to
fall. I could only go up to the third or fourth step and had to climb down,
shaking. I couldn't believe it, because I knew I would miss the view. It was
windy and drizzly and horrible. I woke up and couldn't believe how scared I
was, and was quite upset at my own behaviour, tried to understand why I was
so scared but still haven't found an answer. 8, 30C, 27:XX:XX
*

Physicals

**Sensorium*

*Head*

Constricted feeling from temples over top of head. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX

Feel slightly thick headed, bit of sore throat and left ear ache. 3, 30C,
02:08:30

Sick headed in the morning. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX

Foggy head and nausea. 3, 30C, 02:XX:XX

I've realized my hair has been getting greasy even more quickly than usual
since I took the remedy. 2, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Pain in left temple, sudden then abating. Moved to right temple - feels like
pressing in - boring. - but not pronounced. A pushing in, a constriction.
Want to push out against it. An irritation, a frustration. Feel like
punching out. Punching into nothing, no resistance. 4, 6C, 01:21:30

Headache comes and goes, not as intense as this morning, worse thinking
about it, better out of doors. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX

Later on in the evening I felt my head/scalp itching a lot - all over,
especially round the back, low down. I remember scratching a lot as I drove
back to London. 7, 12C, 00:XX:XX

*Sight and eyes*

Woke this morning with a very sore right eye - it feels as if it's got grit
all under the lid. 2, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Eyes very fuzzy can hardly see to write, OK further distance. 4, 6C,
01:XX:XX

Eye margins sore, worse closing eyes. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

I am suddenly noticing the green spectrum in the light - we have those
energy-saving light bulbs; the room is decorated with a lot of blues/greens
and I seem to have just noticed how green and yellow things are - the room
is usually balanced with blue. Things seem closer to me. 8, 30C, 00:XX:XX

** * *

*Hearing & ears
*

Every sound is intrusive, tap dripping, etc. very clear and loud. 4, 6C,
00:XX:XX

Sharp pain in right ear on bending down. 4, 6C, 14:15:00

Ears feel a little blocked - like I want to swallow and pop them. 7, 12C,
02:XX:XX

** *Smell & Nose *

Unusual pain in my nose, on the right side, on the bone, small area, an
ache, sensitive to pressure. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Lots of thick white mucus from nose. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Burning nostrils, earlier running profusely with clear mucus. 4, 6C,
11:XX:XX

Left nostril blocked in the morning. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

*Face*

Slight sensation of a crack on lower lip, looked in the mirror - lips are
fine. 6, 30C, 00:XX:XX

Face has been feeling quite flushed. 7, 12C, 00:XX:XX

Lips dry and cracking. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Skin on face-especially around mouth/chin is quite dry and flaky. 7, 12C,
03:XX:XX Scratching face quite a lot - the skin feels very sensitive. 4, 6C,
00:XX:XX

Scratching face to relieve tickle - forehead, cheek, eyebrow. 4, 6C,
01:XX:XX

Cheeks and around lower jaw and lower lip feel thick and slightly numb,
still as if on trip. 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX

Jaw feels tight. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX

*Taste and Tongue*

Bit underside tongue whilst having breakfast. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Central crease in tongue sore. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Tongue sore in evening. Kind of stings. 1, 6C, 08:XX:XX

Early morning. Stinging tongue for few minutes. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX

Notice sore patch under tongue on right side as though an ulcer may be
brewing. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX

Mouth ulcer developed, very sore, right side of tongue, under side, half way
back from the tip, rubs on pre molars. Not able to express myself clearly as
it hurts to talk. It also affects my ear. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Mouth ulcer troublesome all day. Tongue very sore, difficult to talk and
eat. My right ear is beginning to ache. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Tongue ulcer hurts, as though I have been talking whilst writing! 4, 6C,
05:XX:XX

Ulcer has bright red centre, white tongue. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Ulcer more settled now, going yellowish, tongue less puffy. Ulcer better for
milk, and easier having talked a bit - terrible to start with - saliva
covers it. When ulcer hurts most ear is pulsing, sense of pushing out and
thumping. 4, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Ulcer patch still sensitive and sore but ulcer nearly gone, red patch. 4,
6C, 11:XX:XX

Tongue pale and swollen, flabby, teeth marks around right edge, red and
raised around ulcer, white and tiny. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX

** ****

*Teeth and Gums** *

Teeth clenched, especially back teeth and right ear aches. Gum and teeth
feel achy at front, front teeth feel loose. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Teeth achy - aware of them in my gums. 4, 6C, 01:22:00

*Inner Mouth*

Sore place in roof of mouth as if I have hurt it on some crust or something.
1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Roof of mouth feels sore, almost feels like cut on front teeth edge. 4, 6C,
09:XX:XX

Mouth feels like the first signs of coming up on a trip (LSD) - lips numb
and cheeks feel really thick, flabby and wobbly - as if bloated or stuck on.
8, 30C, 00:XX:XX

*Throat*

Sharp cramps through belly, I breathe into it and it becomes a big wave that
slowly moves up into my throat. Pain in the whole front of my neck which
moves up and out with every breath and massage. It's all linked to intimacy,
here I am with naked beautiful people, sweating [in sauna] and I long for
intimacy. I feel the pain of old longings and allow myself to feel how
beautiful this sweating together is. Better for massage. Long for communion
with god when alone and with others when I'm not, nothing else will do. Feel
great compassion for myself. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Getting a sore throat though - through the day steadily go downhill, by the
evening my throat is so sore I can hardly swallow. 1, 6C, 34:XX:XX

Sore throat and ear ache developing. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX

Throat is really bad - didn't go into work. 3, 30C, 19:XX:XX

Woke up with a slight sore throat, but only first thing in the morning. 6,
30C, 03:08:00

Throat sore, slimy. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Difficulty swallowing this evening like it's clumsy and noisy. Both
situations were whilst being intimate with women; my sister and a friend. 1,
6C, 01:XX:XX

*Appetite, Thirst & Desires*

Not hungry. Desire juicy things. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX

Physically OK except that not eating right- either hungry or too full. 1,
6C, 22:XX:XX

Still this thing with my food - feeling ravenously hungry, eating and
feeling too full. 1, 6C, 24:XX:XX

Appetite ravenous, could eat and eat and eat - anything! Chocolates, savoury
foods. Thirst for warm drinks. 6, 30C, 22:XX:XX

I've eaten too many sweet and stodgy things again - I can feel the weight
pulling me down. 2, 12C, 13:XX:XX

I've realized that my compulsive eating has become very compulsive indeed.
2, 12C, 20:XX:XX

Have been really thirsty tonight and drank lots of water. Really wanted cold
fizzy mineral water. 5, 12C, 01:XX:XX

Thirsty, have drunk loads of water. I don't have to make myself drink water
rather than anything else as this is what I want. 5, 12C, 02:XX:XX

Desire for strong food. Really enjoyed eating lamb. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Wanting strong energy foods - meat, dairy, nuts, toast, chocolate. Not so
drawn to fruit and veg as usual. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX

Desire for strong meat after a day of little to eat. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX

After workshop in anticipation of long drive home have strong coffee oops!
Ended up driving home in coffee euphoria and then stayed up very late with
partner. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Slight unusual aversion to sweet food and craving for salty and meat. 1, 6C,
12:XX:XX

Desire lemon drinks. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Really enjoyed watching telly with a few glasses of red wine. Normally I
hardly drink alcohol. 6, 30C, 23:XX:XX

Craving sweet and salty things, and cigarettes. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Another roll-up when I get home- that's 3 in a week, very unusual. 1, 6C,
07:XX:XX

I seem to be smoking less. 6, 30C, 23:XX:XX

*Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting*

Felt quite sick and queasy when I was trying to get to sleep. 2, 12C,
27:XX:XX

Felt slightly sick again, not really sick but definite feeling of nausea,
now that have felt it twice think perhaps it is the remedy as would not
normally feel sick especially 2 days in a row. 5, 12C, 02:13:00

*Scrobiculum & Stomach*

Stomach gurgling early morning, 5 or 6 a. m. and burping. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX

Lay down in bed and discovered I'd got raging stomach ache and diarrhoea. 2,
12C, 2:XX:XX

*Abdomen*

I've overeaten, especially sweet things, and my belly doesn't like it. 2,
12C, 08:XX:XX

Guts irritated, particularly right side. Diarrhoea. Reddish brown. Very
smelly: fruity. 4, 6C, 02:10:00

My intestines are rumbling and bloated - was before remedy, but now
uncomfortably so. and feel my intestines' energy points on back of feet.
They are telling me they need energy. 8, 30C, 00:XX:XX

Gurgling in abdomen last night. This morning slight pain in abdomen right
side more pronounced, crampy feel. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX

Downward pressure in abdomen to lower perianal area, could be wind trapped
but no wind passed, very uncomfortable, dragged down. Could be uterine,
feels a bit like pains prior to period, also ache in lower back. 4, 6C,
04:11:00

Pain in my right side, around hip level, could be ovary, could be gut. 4,
6C, 01:XX:XX

* Rectum & Stool*

My stomach began hurting after lunch and have got diarrhoea. 3, 30C,
05:14:00

Loosish orange-brown stool smelling of onions, slightly sweet. 4, 6C, 02:
08.00

Diarrhoea, loose stools all week: loose, frothy, frequent. Not smelly,
sudden rush of gaseous, rich brown, bitty, flaky stool. Lots of gas: big,
full, and noisy but little smell. 4, 6C, 23:XX:XX

*Urinary Organs*

Urine smells very strong. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX

Having sudden urges to pee and seem to have absolutely no muscle control
down there. Which is a bit awkward. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Feeling very thirsty today and just want water, have been going to the loo a
lot, no doubt because I have been drinking so much water. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX

*Female Sexual Organs*

My libido has dwindled to almost zero. No sex. I do think it may have got
worse since the remedy. We certainly haven't made love since taking it (one
abortive attempt because I just wasn't into it). 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX

Twenty four days since last period - unusual (usual 27 days). 4, 6C,
18:XX:XX

Heavy bleeding 3rd day of period. Pain in left ovary. 4, 6C, 20:XX:XX

Slept badly, period pains even though I'd started bleeding on several days
ago, which is strange. Heavy bleeding too. 3, 30C, 05:XX:XX

*Voice & Larynx, Trachea & Bronchia*

I have a croaking hoarse voice. 6, 30C, 22:XX:XX

Woke to find I'd lost my voice but it was back by midday. 2, 12C, 34:XX:XX

*Respiration*

Sternum feels restricted, bruised, breathing a little tight. 4, 6C, 02:16:00
*Cough*

Slight sore throat/cough in evening. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX

Beginning to feel better though I still have a real graveyard, chesty cough.
Have just rung supervisor and she asked me to note that this chesty cough
started several weeks before the cold. 2, 12C, 36:XX:XX

*Inner Chest & Lungs*

*Heart, Pulse & Circulation*

Sensation in heart region - a slight pressure, ache. 3, 30C, 01:10:00

*Outer Chest*

Sore breasts, tender and swollen. 4, 6C, 15:XX:XX

*Neck & Back*

My neck hurts on the right side where the shoulders connect. Unusual for me,
I'm demanding massages. 3, 30C, 09:XX:XX

Good sleep, woke refreshed but neck/shoulder still hurting. It's a tight
knot in the top of my shoulders but causing tension up my neck and down the
right side of my spine. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX

Pronounced ache in lower back, right kidney area, making me lean forward. 4,
6C, 03:XX:XX

Back of knees ache and back, area over kidneys. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

I have a stiff neck from dancing [a very long time since that happened]! 1,
6C, 36:XX:XX

Gland in neck swollen and pulsing. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX

*Limbs in General*

Cold feet and knees, took long time to warm up. Bones ache, particularly
behind knees. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

I had sudden rash and itching on left calf, more towards ankle than knee, on
inside. Then again next afternoon this time on both right and left. 8, 30C,
05:XX:XX

Hands and feet warm, feel heavy in grounded sort of way (as opposed to heavy
and fat). Knees and ankles (my usual weak points) feel solid and strong. 8,
30C, 02:XX:XX

Toes, both feet, feel numb. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX

Odd feeling in my left shoulder where arm meets shoulder, right inside
joint, not exactly a pain but an ache and really inside rather than surface.
5, 12C, 00:XX:XX

Took 5th remedy, experienced same pain/odd sensation in my shoulder as
before, very strange, not hot/cold or even really pain, just like a
heightened sensation of the joint moving. 5, 12C, 02:XX:XX

Right hip is achy. Yesterday it was aching until I had a really wild dance.
Today my dance is softer and my hip is getting worse as day goes on. I think
it's sex, partner and I are in love again but no time to make love. I dance
more strongly in evening and hip gets better. 1, 6C, 28:XX:XX

Pain, sharp, as if pulled in, in right knee and ankle. 4, 6C, 02:16:00

Ache in left foot - under inner arch as if pulled in. - Pain in right knee,
ache in joint. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX

Throbbing in 1st finger of right hand, 2nd joint (middle). 4, 6C, 01:21:30

My sacro-iliac joints are incredibly stiff. I'm having to move with great
care. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX

Physically my legs feel tight like I need a really good massage. 1, 6C,
11:XX:XX

Bubbly fizzy feeling in thighs. 2, 12C, 01:23:00

Knees 'weak' coming in from the cold. Hand weak writing this. 4, 6C,
01:XX:XX

Dancing today my knees and hips still feel vulnerable, a bit painful. 1, 6C,
10:XX:XX

*Sleep*

Slept really deeply last night - did not dream but just woke feeling like
have been in a really deep sleep. 5, 12C, 01:XX:XX

Woke up at 7. 45 from really deep sleep. I feel like I have been given a
sleeping tablet or something as just so deep, much deeper than I have been
sleeping and really hard to wake up. 5, 12C, 03:07:45

Again slept really well and deeply - I have been sleeping with real sense of
restfulness and very deep sleep. Do not have a problem sleeping normally but
quality of sleep feels different. Went to bed at 11 last night and fell
asleep almost immediately and woke up at 9.30 when alarm went off. Woke up
feeling tired but when I got up I felt like I had loads of energy and again
just feeling of sense of being happy and inner calmness/sense of well being.
5, 12C, 03:XX:XX

Broken sleep. Sensation of spiders web- being trapped and not able to drift
off. Not uncomfortable, just odd. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

A very restless night, dreaming on and on about a video. Was worrying about
it all night, through sleeping and half waking. 2, 12C, 30:XX:XX

Sleepy, tired worse at 6 p. m. 1, 6C, 09:18:00

Tiredness heavy like lead. Sleep is welcome, good to be alone and crawl into
bed. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX

Today the lack of sleep hits like a freight train. I feel completely
exhausted, and can hardly thing or move. Manage to cat nap while son plays,
feel better for that, good to escape for a while. 1, 6C, 25:XX:XX

Yet another very short night! It's quite unbelievable to me how this keeps
happening - I'm late to bed every night and then remorsefully wake early.
Today the lack of sleep feels like too much. 1, 6C, 36:XX:XX

I'm finding it very difficult to get up as early as I want to this week. 2,
12C, 08:XX:XX

I'm getting up one and a half hours later than usual and I'm a bit cross. 2,
12C, 09:XX:XX

So hard to get to bed at a sensible time! Is this the remedy? Keeping myself
up late and waking too early. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX

Needed to sleep in the afternoon for half and hour. 3, 30C, 06:15:00

I'm really pushing through the tiredness. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX

Very tired on waking. 4, 6C, 07:XX:XX

So hard to wake this morning, could have slept longer. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX

Woke too early, full of days agenda. 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX

Wake in the night at least movement. 1, 6C, 38:XX:XX

I'm having a very turbulent night waking a lot and dreaming when asleep. 2,
12C, 43:XX:XX

Felt tired enough to go back to bed and sleep for half an hour. 3, 30C,
02:09:30

Crap nights sleep, awake 3 or 4 times, ended up reading for an hour between
3.30 and 4.30 a.m. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX

Had to get up at 5 a. m. so was really tired and did not sleep very well. I
missed that sense of having really deep sleep and felt a bit cheated! I took
ages to get to sleep and I know I had strange dreams but not sure exactly
what. 5, 12C, 05:XX:XX

Had really deep sleep, felt this morning like I had been drugged, and had
that sense of having weird dreams which are just out of reach- this is so
frustrating and wish I could remember them. 5, 12C, 10:XX:XX

Woke up a bit late. Had a bit of a lie in until about 9. 45 a. m. Felt
guilty but couldn't summon up energy or enthusiasm to get out of bed. 6,
30C, 32:XX:XX

I haven't been sleeping well since taking the remedy, which is unusual for
me but could also be symptomatic of the too much going on scenario. I have
either been sleeping very lightly or waking up in the night. 7, 12C,
07:XX:XX

*Generals*

Went to the gym and found it more tiring than usual. 2, 12C, 06:XX:XX

Then back for a massage. An interesting experience, often very moving. Huge
energy in my legs and a very profound desire to kick very hard. And a
profound peace when he held the bottom edge of my skull - where usually
there is a really savage energy that pushes me to shake my head wildly from
side to side when he works there. Today the energy was so peaceful that we
spent several minutes with me lying absolutely still while he sat equally
still with his hands on the base of my skull. 2, 12C, 14:XX:XX

I've been feeling pretty ill today. Went to bed with a hot water bottle.
Have spent the evening watching TV wrapped up in a duvet. 2, 12C, 30:XX:XX

Felt awful when I woke up but came to the 5 Rhythms Weekend just the same.
This morning has been very challenging at times, I just haven't the energy
to do all I wanted to do. And I was pleased that when I felt sick and faint
while we were all doing a group hug, I had the courage to extricate myself
and go and lie down. At the moment I feel quite sick and shivery. 2, 12C,
31:XX:XX

I have felt physically rotten all day - full of cold and with a never-ending
migraine. 2, 12C, 33:XX:XX

Heavy feeling all over, quite lethargic, head is still thick. Feel like I
just want to lay around sleeping, curling up. Being with myself. 3, 30C,
02:10:00

Felt really tired and lethargic this morning. Worked well for half the day
then struggled, feeling foggy headed. 3, 30C, 13:XX:XX

Immediately after taking the remedy opened door to outside and lots of
little flies flew in around eyes and up my nose. Very unusual at this time
of year. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX

Felt very tired about l. 30 p. m. but rallied and got things done. 4, 6C,
04:XX:XX

Bones ache, particularly behind knees. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Very cold at friend's house. Felt nauseous, very cold, very tired. Cold feet
and knees. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Awoke and was dried out, shrivelled. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Every tissue in my body feels as though it is under tension. I am being
tensed all over, emotionally tight and irritable, relaxation seems
impossible, my jaw is clenched, my hands tight. I notice that I am biting
the side of my mouth. 4, 6C, 28:XX:XX

Awake feeling tight jaw and hand. 4, 6C, 30:XX:XX

Think I'm coming down with a cold. Haven't felt so lifeless for a long time.
6, 30C, 20:XX:XX

I definitely have a cold. Sore throat and very thirsty for warm drinks. I
just want to sleep all the time. 6, 30C, 21:XX:XX

*Temperature & Weather*

Feel very cold, lots of clothes on but feel chilled. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Very cold in back and bones, right side colder than left. Difficulty getting
warm. Much better in bed. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX

Still feeling thirsty, feeling a bit restless and hot. 2, 12C, 02:15:45

Had the strangest feeling going to sleep. I was cold all along the back of
my body; so much so that I couldn't sleep. The front of my body got really
warm, but back, bum, and backs of arms and legs very cold and wouldn't warm
up. Last straw when I realised that my toes were really warm (front of body)
but my ankles were ice cold (back of body). It seems to be like this every
night. 8, 30C, 08:XX:XX

*Perspiration*

I was really smelly that day. I'd forgotten deodorant in morning, and BO
bothered me so much I had shower at lunchtime, but smell persisted. Showered
again when I got home as was going out. Smell had bothered me from Tuesday,
this animal smell hanging around. BO smelt of cooked meat - usually smells
of celery, which although not pleasant is 100x better than animal. 8, 30C,
10:XX:XX

*Skin*

Woke last night with my skin really itchy again, its been much better last
few days, disappointing. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX

Skin irritable and itchy. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX

Itching on lower back, bottom and upper outer thigh, right side, irritating,
no rash, like little pins makes me wiggle (rub the itch against the seat),
passes off after few minutes. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX

*Overviews*

*Perceptions of the group process:** *

*Prover 01*

This group had a lyrical spirit, as in the 4th rhythm. It's hallmarks were a
definite maturity amongst members; major issues about community or tribe –
who was in & who was out- a very marked dynamic of the group, rather than
me, creating the form and structure of our path together. 'Lyrical' is a
step out of wounding and into creativity, of taking responsibility in a
light way, of autonomy. I even took the step of refusing a place to someone
on the grounds of their wounding, not wanting to deal with it – feeling this
person would take too much of my attention to the detriment of the rest of
the group. Further more this person was a teenager [& adolescence is related
to chaos, the third rhythm, whereas lyrical is related to maturity].
Furthermore it was the rest of the group that promoted me to make this
decision! Totally lyrical stuff.

*Prover 03 *

It felt as if the remedy was shaking everything up. It is not a time to sit,
but a time to do. I had been spinning in a reflective, consuming way. Now
there is a need to spin the other way. I was beginning to go outside of
myself. In my need to move things on I had lost myself. Work has taken up a
lot of my focus. I haven't been pushing my agenda in my relationship.
Painfully aware of whether I was in or out of the group. Being on the edge
of groups. I became more objective about it.

I have a new awareness of my feelings towards my father. I actually feel him
as a human being, with lots of love and compassion. Moving out of adolescent
rebellion. I do love him. I feel that I know something about his childhood
he doesn't know. It explains so much about him. He was conceived
illegitimately. His mother had a nervous breakdown and he was brought up
with his cousins for two years. When he was brought home to with his family
he wasn't allowed any friends or to celebrate his birthday. He's always
isolated.

There was a polarity between acceptance and creating my life. Strong urge to
go with the flow, but the other part is: Where do you want to go?

Find I'm losing my way.

Being completely open to being closed.

Feeling like a rock.

Being separate from my state of consciousness.

The animal and angel together.

Only feeling uncomfortable when I want to be somewhere different, feel
something different, want something different, separating myself from what
is.

I am an insider and I want to be out
I am an insider and in is out
I am an insider and I'm on the edge
I am an insider and the edge is in and out

I feel the touch of love, the warmth
Of heart, the enveloping of
Inside - inside has sides -
I touch the walls and feel caught
I look to the outside - she is
Free, she runs and dances with
The stars
They're not talking my language
So I am silent. They don't see
Me, so I'm not here - they laugh
And I cry - I want to run away

I want to spread my wings
I want to feel myself open and
I'm clinging - closing on the inside

You are on fire outside - how did
You get there -did you run, did
You fly, were you chased, did
They lose you

I see you and I feel pity - they
Abandoned you
I see you and I feel scared - you
Are a wild card
I see you and I am jealous- you
Have what I haven't
I see you and I am inspired - you
Are what you are
I see you and I am longing - you
Left me for -------
I see you and I am abandoned - you
Don't want me
see you and I clap - you are
Dancing free with the stars

You are friend, foe, child, mother, father,

Dancer - You are God.

*Prover 04*

Thoughts on the remedy: group animal? Lot of people in my dreams (this is
generally so for me) but sense of being connected in the group, belonging .
This is unusual. Trees, forests, nature, sea feel prevalent. Strong feeling
last night that this is a monkey! Arboreal animal of some kind.

*Prover 07 *

At last I've landed. I'm really wanting space still. On the surface life is
calm and happy but there's a lot under the surface pulling in different
directions. It got bad when I had to sit still in the office and do some
writing.

Cough - comes from back of the throat. It's tickly and dry and you can't
ignore it, A raking cough. I go on and on till I drink water. I wake up at
night with it - 2am. Nervous cough. worse when partner asked me to look at a
website design, worse being in the car.

Now I'm not so busy, I fear depression or listlessness. When you are busy
you feel important because you are at the centre of your own little
whirlwind of busyness. Someone I worked with said I was like a Catherine
wheel, always spinning but in danger of burning out.

Px Ambra grisea 30 helped

*Prover 08 *

Having a quick flick through my notes, I can now see that my body image
comes across as pretty bad. In fact this is not true - my body image has
improved dramatically since the mirror incident at the work xmas do. Yes, I
am still not slim and don't have the body I would like, but I have relaxed *a
lot *about the whole thing. So much so that, last week, I went on a shopping
spree and caught the end of the January sales. I tried on loads and loads of
clothes - which I thoroughly enjoyed - and came home with 4 skimpy tops.
Yes, 4. All of them strappy, sleeveless and sexy. 2 of them are completely
backless, another is a butterfly bikini-type top that shows off the
bellybutton. I mean, what's this about? I wouldn't have imagined buying
these items, let alone wearing them. And yet I have been out clubbing
wearing these little numbers… Yes, the freedom from my own censorship is
amazing. I am still pretty obsessive about my food, coffee, cigarettes and
exercise, but it has been a revelation.

The calmness I have experienced has been wonderful. My partner, however, has
commented that I was moody and grumpy for much of the time, but I hadn't
noticed. Maybe I was on the outside, whereas in reality I felt so much
calmer and chilled out on the inside. Although I would've disagreed at the
time, there is truth in what he says, as I feel that I am expressing my
desires more and as a result would show others around me if I was grumpy
rather that gloss over it as before. The only angry incident that I've
written down was from the day we went to the woods, because it was so
extreme. I am prepared to take Alex's word on my behaviour - I most probably
was externally irritable, but the main thing was that internally the
'roaring sound' had calmed down. I am getting these episodes back again, but
they aren't as frequent or as frightening as before.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Chris_Gillen]

Sorry I will probably offend, but this is one of the typical and most poor
examples of a proving experiment that our profession currently espouses.
Undoubtedly, Helios will make up the remedy and sell it to those who request
and purchase it, and this post will fall on mostly deaf ears. But for those
who do care about Homoeopathy and Hahnemann......keep reading the Organon
and please keep homoeopathy alive.
Chris.

[Rochelle Marsden]

I am only interested in reading about it as it was in a srp rubric I found for a patient so I thought I would give it a read!!

Rochelle
Registered Homeopath, EFT(Advanced)Practitioner
www.southporthomeopathy.co.uk

[Rochelle Marsden]

Thanks so much for this - I will give it a read.
Rochelle
Registered Homeopath, EFT(Advanced)Practitioner
www.southporthomeopathy.co.uk