parenting [was: narcissism
Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 5:21 pm
Hi Jean,
This is sort of an un-finished thought, but seems very relevant… I'm hesitant to send because there are *so* many added issues that need consideration as well, but here goes.
If meltdown always gets the child what it is asking for, and they never have chance to find that they can *be okay* without getting their way, how will they learn that they can… They also need to learn that they can melt down, act badly, pour out the grief or anger or whatever -- and their parents (etc.) will still love them afterwards -- but that it's neither their responsibility nor their right to call all the shots. "Comforting boundaries." Raising kids in an environment where the parents are *expected* to "keep them happy, or at least quiet", and where "self-esteem" is considered more important than self- (or outer) discipline, that can present huge challenges. (Speaking from experience on all of that!)
The parents may well need treatment (almost certainly they do); certainly they also need guidance. They may need to really think through issues around "who's in charge", and how to respond to the child. When my first child arrived with a *very* high need for "everything", and *extremely* vocal, hyper-vigiant and hyper-expressive right from birth, I got all sorts of lessons about those issues. A book that was an absolute Godsend for me, thankfully given to me during her first few (weeks?), was I think this one:
The two reviews on the page I think are very good, and give a useful caution. I became NOT a fan of some aspects of RC (Re-evaluation Counseling, aka Co-counseling) in some ways; I think (this is only on my limited and long-ago experience) they fai(ed)l to bring a proper larger perspective. But for me the understanding of the (or at least a) role and meaning of tantrums and meltdowns -- and also of my newborn's wild and incessant shrieking fits -- was very, very useful. At that time, what it did was shift my perception from "Ohmigod my baby is suffering, and it's MY JOB to fix it NOW!" (undo-able, and was leading me down dark paths; and an assumption that some people seem never to get past), and let me understand that what I needed to do instead was (a) check for fixable needs, such as food, warmth, clean diaper, closed/open safety pin, things like that, and (b) when all of that was found to be in place, my job was just to stay with her, hold her, love her, and let her cry (without getting triggered myself!) until she finished, then go on with the day. It was *amazing* how that simple shift in my understanding helped me to help her! (And amazing how well "tag team" help can be too.)
Over and over (and not just with my infant) I have been amazed at how just being able to pour out the emotion and feel *heard*, could lead to a place of more peace; and in later years, would lead to a place where listening and communication could follow.
I learned early that, in going shopping with her, I had to be fully ready to leave the store with her if she started meltdown and I couldn't bring her round soon enough -- on a couple of occasions leaving a fully loaded shopping cart in middle of the store, and driving her home. (I think it was *only* once or twice, because she really did enjoy shopping trips, and knowing I *would* leave with her if she trantrumed, at some points made the self-regulation more appealing to her, and she learned.)
Okay, end of this run of un-finished thought.
This is sort of an un-finished thought, but seems very relevant… I'm hesitant to send because there are *so* many added issues that need consideration as well, but here goes.
If meltdown always gets the child what it is asking for, and they never have chance to find that they can *be okay* without getting their way, how will they learn that they can… They also need to learn that they can melt down, act badly, pour out the grief or anger or whatever -- and their parents (etc.) will still love them afterwards -- but that it's neither their responsibility nor their right to call all the shots. "Comforting boundaries." Raising kids in an environment where the parents are *expected* to "keep them happy, or at least quiet", and where "self-esteem" is considered more important than self- (or outer) discipline, that can present huge challenges. (Speaking from experience on all of that!)
The parents may well need treatment (almost certainly they do); certainly they also need guidance. They may need to really think through issues around "who's in charge", and how to respond to the child. When my first child arrived with a *very* high need for "everything", and *extremely* vocal, hyper-vigiant and hyper-expressive right from birth, I got all sorts of lessons about those issues. A book that was an absolute Godsend for me, thankfully given to me during her first few (weeks?), was I think this one:
The two reviews on the page I think are very good, and give a useful caution. I became NOT a fan of some aspects of RC (Re-evaluation Counseling, aka Co-counseling) in some ways; I think (this is only on my limited and long-ago experience) they fai(ed)l to bring a proper larger perspective. But for me the understanding of the (or at least a) role and meaning of tantrums and meltdowns -- and also of my newborn's wild and incessant shrieking fits -- was very, very useful. At that time, what it did was shift my perception from "Ohmigod my baby is suffering, and it's MY JOB to fix it NOW!" (undo-able, and was leading me down dark paths; and an assumption that some people seem never to get past), and let me understand that what I needed to do instead was (a) check for fixable needs, such as food, warmth, clean diaper, closed/open safety pin, things like that, and (b) when all of that was found to be in place, my job was just to stay with her, hold her, love her, and let her cry (without getting triggered myself!) until she finished, then go on with the day. It was *amazing* how that simple shift in my understanding helped me to help her! (And amazing how well "tag team" help can be too.)
Over and over (and not just with my infant) I have been amazed at how just being able to pour out the emotion and feel *heard*, could lead to a place of more peace; and in later years, would lead to a place where listening and communication could follow.
I learned early that, in going shopping with her, I had to be fully ready to leave the store with her if she started meltdown and I couldn't bring her round soon enough -- on a couple of occasions leaving a fully loaded shopping cart in middle of the store, and driving her home. (I think it was *only* once or twice, because she really did enjoy shopping trips, and knowing I *would* leave with her if she trantrumed, at some points made the self-regulation more appealing to her, and she learned.)
Okay, end of this run of un-finished thought.