Swan Beswick
http://www.hominf.org/swan/swanfr.htm
Perceptions of the group process:
Prover 01
This group had a lyrical spirit, as in the 4th rhythm. It's hallmarks were a definite maturity amongst members; major issues about community or tribe - who was in & who was out- a very marked dynamic of the group, rather than me, creating the form and structure of our path together. 'Lyrical' is a step out of wounding and into creativity, of taking responsibility in a light way, of autonomy. I even took the step of refusing a place to someone on the grounds of their wounding, not wanting to deal with it - feeling this person would take too much of my attention to the detriment of the rest of the group. Further more this person was a teenager [& adolescence is related to chaos, the third rhythm, whereas lyrical is related to maturity]. Furthermore it was the rest of the group that promoted me to make this decision! Totally lyrical stuff.
Prover 03
It felt as if the remedy was shaking everything up. It is not a time to sit, but a time to do. I had been spinning in a reflective, consuming way. Now there is a need to spin the other way. I was beginning to go outside of myself. In my need to move things on I had lost myself. Work has taken up a lot of my focus. I haven't been pushing my agenda in my relationship. Painfully aware of whether I was in or out of the group. Being on the edge of groups. I became more objective about it.
I have a new awareness of my feelings towards my father. I actually feel him as a human being, with lots of love and compassion. Moving out of adolescent rebellion. I do love him. I feel that I know something about his childhood he doesn't know. It explains so much about him. He was conceived illegitimately. His mother had a nervous breakdown and he was brought up with his cousins for two years. When he was brought home to with his family he wasn't allowed any friends or to celebrate his birthday. He's always isolated.
There was a polarity between acceptance and creating my life. Strong urge to go with the flow, but the other part is: Where do you want to go?
Find I'm losing my way.
Being completely open to being closed.
Feeling like a rock.
Being separate from my state of consciousness.
The animal and angel together.
Only feeling uncomfortable when I want to be somewhere different, feel something different, want something different, separating myself from what is.
I am an insider and I want to be out
I am an insider and in is out
I am an insider and I'm on the edge
I am an insider and the edge is in and out
I feel the touch of love, the warmth
Of heart, the enveloping of
Inside - inside has sides -
I touch the walls and feel caught
I look to the outside - she is
Free, she runs and dances with
The stars
They're not talking my language
So I am silent. They don't see
Me, so I'm not here - they laugh
And I cry - I want to run away
I want to spread my wings
I want to feel myself open and
I'm clinging - closing on the inside
You are on fire outside - how did
You get there -did you run, did
You fly, were you chased, did
They lose you
I see you and I feel pity - they
Abandoned you
I see you and I feel scared - you
Are a wild card
I see you and I am jealous- you
Have what I haven't
I see you and I am inspired - you
Are what you are
I see you and I am longing - you
Left me for -------
I see you and I am abandoned - you
Don't want me
see you and I clap - you are
Dancing free with the stars
You are friend, foe, child, mother, father,
Dancer - You are God.
Prover 04
Thoughts on the remedy: group animal? Lot of people in my dreams (this is generally so for me) but sense of being connected in the group, belonging . This is unusual. Trees, forests, nature, sea feel prevalent. Strong feeling last night that this is a monkey! Arboreal animal of some kind.
Prover 07
At last I've landed. I'm really wanting space still. On the surface life is calm and happy but there's a lot under the surface pulling in different directions. It got bad when I had to sit still in the office and do some writing.
Cough - comes from back of the throat. It's tickly and dry and you can't ignore it, A raking cough. I go on and on till I drink water. I wake up at night with it - 2am. Nervous cough. worse when partner asked me to look at a website design, worse being in the car.
Now I'm not so busy, I fear depression or listlessness. When you are busy you feel important because you are at the centre of your own little whirlwind of busyness. Someone I worked with said I was like a Catherine wheel, always spinning but in danger of burning out.
Px Ambra grisea 30 helped
Prover 08
Having a quick flick through my notes, I can now see that my body image comes across as pretty bad. In fact this is not true - my body image has improved dramatically since the mirror incident at the work xmas do. Yes, I am still not slim and don't have the body I would like, but I have relaxed a lot about the whole thing. So much so that, last week, I went on a shopping spree and caught the end of the January sales. I tried on loads and loads of clothes - which I thoroughly enjoyed - and came home with 4 skimpy tops. Yes, 4. All of them strappy, sleeveless and sexy. 2 of them are completely backless, another is a butterfly bikini-type top that shows off the bellybutton. I mean, what's this about? I wouldn't have imagined buying these items, let alone wearing them. And yet I have been out clubbing wearing these little numbers. Yes, the freedom from my own censorship is amazing. I am still pretty obsessive about my food, coffee, cigarettes and exercise, but it has been a revelation.
The calmness I have experienced has been wonderful. My partner, however, has commented that I was moody and grumpy for much of the time, but I hadn't noticed. Maybe I was on the outside, whereas in reality I felt so much calmer and chilled out on the inside. Although I would've disagreed at the time, there is truth in what he says, as I feel that I am expressing my desires more and as a result would show others around me if I was grumpy rather that gloss over it as before. The only angry incident that I've written down was from the day we went to the woods, because it was so extreme. I am prepared to take Alex's word on my behaviour - I most probably was externally irritable, but the main thing was that internally the 'roaring sound' had calmed down. I am getting these episodes back again, but they aren't as frequent or as frightening as before.
Registered Homeopath
EFT(Advanced) Practitioner
www.southporthomeopathy.co.uk
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